Blogging the Bachelor: Weeks 1-4

Dear Mimi,

Umm so okay. I don’t know what I just watched, but it was weird, and cringe worthy, yet highly entertaining. Sure it was boring at most times, and I didn’t care much for the dates (seriously? Rolling around in an inflatable ball in the middle of Costco?! Have some decency!), but these people were just downright obnoxiously hilarious. Where do the producers find these people? I really want to know.

Let’s start with the Bachelor himself, Chris. Homeboy can’t talk for his life. I mean, I guess as a farmer in Iowa, you aren’t ever in situations where you need to talk with any sort of eloquence, but still man! You’re on national TV! You should’ve visited your old teacher at her one room schoolhouse and practiced. I’m surprised no one has left because of that yet, because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who has that much trouble putting sentences together. Also, this guy just must not see a lot of women in his everyday life or just loves women way too much to have any self-control. I feel like more than eating the food on his dates, he’s eating the women’s faces instead, like some kinda weird romantic cannibal. Can I point out that more than one woman called him out on it?! That’s when you know, bro. Either way, it is just too shameless and not classy.

Now onto the women. So I think we have everyone and everything from a sports fishing enthusiast (which I think is just a fancy way of saying I don’t have a job and would rather just lay on a boat all day) to a cruise ship singer (how are you gonna go from that to living on a farm in the middle of nowhere?) to a couple journalists to a waitress to some teachers/guidance counselors to a cheerleader, a plus sized model who doesn’t look plus sized at all, to some single moms, one of which is 21. Yeah, can we talk about that? Why is she here? What in her right mind thought this was a good idea? I am pretty much her age, and while I might possibly maybe perhaps be ready to consider contemplating the mere IDEA of marriage, it definitely wouldn’t be with someone who is 12 years older than me. Also, she has a kid. Like seriously? Do you actually think he’s gonna pick you? Go home and spend time with your child.

Also, it seems like these women either fall into one of two categories: 1) young, drunk, immature, inappropriate, insecure and just plain awkwardly dumb hook up types & 2) classy, reserved, mature, ladylike, smart wife types. There is almost NO in-between, it’s amazing (lol)! Well actually, one girl by like episode 4 moved from category 2 to category 1. I don’t get it. Like, don’t these women know that everything they say and do is being filmed and is fair game for being broadcasted to the entire world. Honestly, I’m surprised at how some of these people are going to find or even keep their jobs after this. I mean, one girl thought New Mexico was IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. Are you kidding me?! Did you not go thru the US education system or were you one of those “child left behind” which prompted President Bush to instill the “No Child Left Behind” policy? I can’t handle this much stupidity right now, I just can’t.

Other than that, it’s mostly just a bunch of crying and complaining that makes the rest of America feel better about themselves. All the girls think they will get the rose and then when they don’t they’re like “omg, no one deserves that rose more than me” or “that girl’s not here for the right reasons” and “boo hoo I didn’t get to dress up like Cinderella and do my Kardashian look”. Honey, if you have to base anything of yourself off of the Kardashians, you can just leave now. And for the record, Cinderella looked NOTHING like a Kardashian.

And then obviously there’s the drama between girls, which is why girls are just dumb butt meanies most of the time that consistently need to keep their egos in check. You have to understand that there are 30 of you, and he can only end up with one person. That means that 29 of you (for those who are clearly struggling with math) have to go home no matter what. And that is just something that you should’ve considered, and quite frankly prepared for and known, before you ever decided to do some god forsaken show like this. Just because he likes someone better than you, doesn’t mean that that girl is all of sudden Satan from hell. Calm down sister, your overdramatic is showing.

Speaking of girls who don’t get a hint, don’t come back if he let’s you go (read: dumps you)! Why do you come back and embarrass yourself? He got rid of you once, what makes you think he won’t get rid of you a second time. It’s like that annoying bunny who eats all your tomatoes in your garden, and you call the exterminator to get rid of it and then the bunny comes back and says “please let me stay one more time, I won’t eat ALL the tomatoes, just the rotten ones that you don’t want anyway. Or I’ll just eat the cucumbers in the corner over there”. No bunny, just leave. Go eat all the tomatoes in someone else’s garden.

In other miscellaneous things, I hate how producers imply one thing in the promos and make it totally not that in the actual episodes. Ugggghhhh! They just like to make up unnecessary drama. And Jimmy Kimmel’s episode was entertaining, especially the farm relay race. Haha!

So after 4 episodes (was it only 4? It felt like 39), here are my top choices:

-Whitney, the fertility nurse, once you can get past her goody two shoes voice

-Jade, the girl everyone hated for getting the princess date (which I have to admit, I was a leeeetle jealous of too)

-Becca, although I have to say that I think Becca is wayyy too good for Chris and I think she’s gonna get bored of him if they do end up together

So yeah, there are my thoughts and irrelevant commentary on what happened on the first 4 episodes. I don’t know how many episodes there are in one season, but let’s hope I still have all my brain cells and my hair intact by the end.

The next episode airs tonight so stay tuned to this madness. Yay me -_-




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