Blogging the Bachelor: Week 6

Dear Mimi,

So apparently, I watched 5 episodes, not 4. My bad.

Anywho, let’s just start with episode 6.

Okay, so they didn’t finish the rose ceremony from last time, and that’s what they start with. This chick who apparently has a “panic attack” to get a sympathy rose (roses are what they get so they can stay for one more week). And this girl is on the floor hysterically just laughing and breathing and I’m just like girl, my 4 year old sister can do better acting than that. One girl even says that if the fake girl gets a rose, she might spontaneously combust. LOL.

Moving on. One girl cries because she doesn’t have a sad story in her life. Wow, what has the world come to? Instead of being grateful, we actually want bad things to happen to us and are crying over it. Also, the single mom finally got eliminated. That should’ve happened a while ago. And she even says that she will never get over it, which further justifies just how immature she is. I also hate how every single place these people go to, they’re always like “This is the perfect place to fall in love”. Yeah, okay.

Cut to a scene where they show Chris shaving. WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE SOMEONE GO THRU HIS OR HER PERSONAL ROUTINE I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Then he says, I’m not looking for drama, I’m looking for a wife. Well dude, you should know that if you put 15 girls together all fighting for you, they kinda go hand in hand. Just saying. Also, Deadwood, South Dakota? Does love go to die there or is it just the trees? Carly, by the way can I just say, is one of my favorites. She is just so damn real and I love it. I think we could be best friends.

Yay Becca! She finally got a date. I like her too, if you couldn’t tell already. And then the fake girl, whose name is Kelsey I guess, is like this isn’t fair! Boo hoo! I deserve it more than anyone and she pretty much says that if she wants to be with Chris, he constantly needs to reassure her (read: she’s as needy as they get). Can I show you the door already? So, they finally show the date, which is riding horses through the fields! Omg! By the way, when Becca says she is comfortable on that horse, that is a downright lie. I’ve rode through trails on horses before and it hurts like anything and it sure isn’t comfortable. But, poor Becca because the drama going on between the girls is more important than her love story which is apparently the basis of the show.

Three of the girls confront Kelsey about how she’s being fake and wow, this girl is so two-faced it’s not even funny. She puts on some pouty face and fake cries in front of the girls about how she’s oh so sorry, but then to the cameras she’s like I’m more eloquent and smarter than the rest of them! And I didn’t go thru my husband dying to lose to these girls! (like you had a choice in that). I’m gonna win everything! It’s always so funny how the people that say that usually end up losing in the next round. That’s karma for ya.

 Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 12.17.29 AM

Ok so then Becca’s date continues and I have to say she is so classy. I love her. Even Chris says that this is the first date he’s been on that feels like an actual date. Note to all girls who are thinking of going on the Bachelor: be your real, classy self. That’s how you win y’all. And then the crying girl about the sad story and Kelsey get a two on one. Who thinks that Chris instead of the producers picked the people for this date? Oh no one? Surprise, surprise. I present, the infamous Kelsey.

Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 12.20.51 AM

All the girls from the group date go to write country songs about Chris. Ugghhh, I hate country music so this sucks. And then some famous country band who I’ve never heard of comes to help them and runs with this girl on the street cuz she’s having writer’s block. I don’t know how that helps, but ok. She’s finally ready to write her song and she sees Chris smacking someone else and feels discouraged. Duh! Of course you are. It’s hard to write a love about someone when they are with another person. Human logic. All the girls have to sing their love songs and surprisingly Chris goes first. He is not someone I would go see in concert, but surprisingly my ears didn’t bleed, so that’s good. Then, all the girls sing their songs and Carly was obviously the best because she sings for a living and more obviously, she wasn’t going to get the rose. Why? Because Chris just passes time with the girls on this group date. Wait hold on. Can I just say that what is up with these group dates? How is this a realistic setting at all? Never in your life are you going to go on a date with 8 other people who are also dating your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. That would be call cheating and that is not acceptable in the real world. I thought this was called “reality television”, but that’s none of my business.

 Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 12.16.12 AM

Anyway, Chris just jet skis through all these other girls on the singing date and gives some BS speech about how it was the best day ever and then secretly takes away one girl from the pack to a concert and gives her a rose, while all these other girls are just sitting there waiting for an hour and 3 days. What the heck Chris? What is wrong with you? At least have some kind of respect to send the other girls home so they aren’t just sitting there wallowing away for you. Who wants a husband like that? That is SO not ‘husband material’. So naturally, when the girl comes back from the concert, all of the other girls just feel like crap because they were played.

Now we come to the case of the two crazies. I guess there’s something called a two on one date where two girls go on the date and one of them is going to get eliminated on that date. But, weirdly both girls on the date, the crier lack of sad story, and the phony with the fake panic attack, are both super excited to go because they will get to spend more time with him? And, of course, they both think the other is going home. They all go in a helicopter and the phony one is being so inventive that I’m surprised that she didn’t end up on the cover of a Forbes 500 magazine. There we see A BED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Is that a date to you people? For real?

So the Kardashian sobber goes and talks to Chris which is mostly ratting the phony out about how no one likes her and how she is so much more awesome and blah blah. She uses the phrase “can’t even” which strips her of the extremely finite, if any, credibility she had left. And then the phony, Kelsey, goes and Chris pretty much tells her all the bad things that the first girl tells him and asks her about it. Note to all guys, actually all normal human beings: if you ask a person about their bad qualities, no one is actually going to come out and say, “oh yeah I am actually a really mean person who thinks that I am better than anyone else and I don’t like anyone”. They are all going to defend themselves because that is what an ego is! But I have to admit, Kelsey does come pretty close when she explicitly says that being in a relationship with Chris and being friends with the other girls do not go hand in hand. Umm honey, it kinda does, because that’s how it is for everyone else in the house. Then Ashley, the unofficial member of the Kardash Klan, goes and confronts Chris about what he told Kelsey and it’s just a big ugly mess right now. I can’t even say that it’s a hot mess, because it’s clearly not. Girl is an ugly crier.

Kardashley

Kardashley

An actual Kardashian

An actual Kardashian

See the resemblence there? Anyone?

So then she starts crying like she has 99% of the time on the show. Seriously girl, are something wrong with your eyes? Get a grip. If you yourself have to ask why you’re always crying in front of the man you’re trying to marry, then that is a huge red flag to all parties involved. And then in the end, Chris did the smartest thing than any person on this dreadful show: HE SENT BOTH OF THEM HOME! What was even better? THEY SHOW THEIR SUITCASES LEAVING AND ALL THE GIRLS PRANCING AROUND IN SHEER JOY AND EXCITEMENT! Even I was doing a few victory laps.

Which brings us to the end of the show. Next week, there are two episodes, which makes me a little annoyed since I have to spend two nights of my week on this instead of just the already awful one. Note to self: never make stupid bets again.

Love,

Didi

P.S. I totally called it! Before the date, I said to myself like what if he just sends both of them home. I don’t think he would pick either one of them. Lol, can’t hide the crazy forever. Also, I hope that instead of sending them directly home, the producers sent both of them to see a psychiatrist, seeing that both of them clearly needed a session.

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