Blogging the Bachelor: Week 7

Dear Mimi,

So we have come to week 7 of el bach-e-lor. And apparently it is a special two-night event because it is sooo big. It seems like they enjoy overemphasizing things. Also, can I just say that there is absolutely no reason for Chris Harrison to do dramatic turns and hand movements while turning towards different cameras. This is a reality dating show, not an intense murder mystery. In fact, there only needs to be one camera, if any, for him to talk to.

Sorry, I had to.

Sorry, I had to.

First off there is something called “Chris Tells All” where the bachelor himself and a couple other people sit down and talk about stuff that happened and reveal oh so many juicy secrets that we have failed to see as viewers because we were too busy cringing at the show for 2 hours voluntarily each Monday night than actually watching it. Personally, I think this part is dumb. As they say, a picture (or heavily edited reality TV) is worth more than the not even thousand words that Chris can barely get out of his mouth.

Chris Tells All

First we have Kelsey, that pompous girl whose laugh I cannot ever believe is actually real. Chris Harrison pretty much just asks her why she is so fake, if she thinks she is smarter than the other girls (she takes a long pause, answers ‘yes’ in her head, replies ‘no’ out loud and then they show a bunch of clips of her saying otherwise…good edit producers) and why she is so controversial. To which she does that horrid laugh and asks if she’s really that controversial and then goes on to use a sentence like, and I quote “a flippant comment was misconstrued and had I known I would’ve ameliorated it”. Now mind you, I actually had to look up the word ‘ameliorated’ to make sure she used it in the right context. You know, because all normal people use that word in everyday conversation. Later on though, she does say she had no malintentions, which BOOM sister! That is not a real word! It is appearing as a red squiggly underline in my word document. Justice has been served. She also says that being confronted by the other girls later on will be a crucifixion. Umm, don’t you think that is a little bit extreme to describe a social situation in which people are just talking. Then again, these are girls we’re talking about, so according to Ellie Goulding, anything can happen.

Then Chris comes out and says nothing new. He tells us that some girls were actually crazy which we saw for ourselves, and jokes about a girl’s butt. Misogyny at its finest. Then he went on to say how this girl was so strong and how they deserve someone so great, how that girl was great, how he was going to send both of those extreme cray crays home regardless, how he loved kissing one other girl and how he was almost killed by a donkey. Okay moving on because that was the worst 20 minutes of TV filler that I’ve ever seen.

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Then we see this girl who apparently was on the show before, but the roles were flipped (they have a girl version of this show?! How does that work? Does she get down on one knee as a symbol of America becoming “progressive”?) It didn’t work out between her and the person she chose and she was all sad and crying. I mean, I feel for the girl, broken relationships, let alone engagements, must be extremely hard. But, in all honesty, it is very hard to know if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone when you are in this situation. Everyone is on their best behavior all the time and you are competing with so many other people for the person’s love and attention. This is not a realistic situation. And the dates? I highly doubt that someone would ever ride in a hot air balloon as a first date. I mean, how in the world are you going to top that? I did some research to see how many couples actually survive out of something like this and out of 18 seasons (omg! Really?!) of the Bachelor and 10 seasons of the Bachelorette (again, really?!) a grand total of…..drum roll please….4 couples have made it through. That is only a 14% success rate. How is this show still going on? Are we not entertained by a big lady screaming at dancer kids and their crazy moms or a bakery making impossible cakes anymore?

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The Actual Episode

We start off in Deadwood again, since we can’t seem to get out of this place. And Chris says that sending those two girls home was about as emotional as he’s ever been, which I find hilarious because he literally showed zero emotion the whole time and left the two girls stranded in the desert while he got out of there hella fast in the helicopter. He meets the girls at this little hotel and says he has made a connection with each and every one of them, which I also think it’s weird because there is definitely at least one girl in there whose name I still don’t know. But, he says his wife is in the group, so we’ll see if he’s part of the 14%.

And that girl goes home. She said that she was proud of herself, and I’m actually proud of her too for realizing that it just wasn’t there and having enough dignity to get out of it while she had the umm upperhand? By the way, the editors are just so on point. While Chris was walking with her to talk, there is a voiceover of him talking about how he can see a relationship with everyone in the room. Wow. Chris thinks this whole thing is impossible. Because choosing between 6 incredible girls to marry is everyone’s nightmare.

Then Chris Harrison announces that someone else is going home. You have got to be kidding me! How many people are they sending home at once?! All of sudden, it just seems like these girls are just dropping like flies. Is the show just ready to combust? Suddenly, just like that, Carly is on the line. But then, Chris comes in a says that he isn’t going to send anyone one and just like that the flip is switched from like a someone died atmosphere to someone won the lottery atmosphere.

He takes them to Iowa, to Des Moines. They all say that Iowa is so beautiful, but honey, y’all don’t know what’s coming. Des Moines isn’t real Iowa. I’ve been to Iowa, like actual Iowa, not tourist Iowa like Des Moines, and let me tell ya, watching a caterpillar go through metamorphosis day by day would be more exciting. I mean, they had to get a hotel to stay at in Des Moines cuz Arlington probably doesn’t even know what a hotel is, let alone invest to have one.

Des Moines, Iowa

Des Moines, Iowa

Arlington, Iowa

Arlington, Iowa

Well, I’m right. One of the girls, Jade, gets picked to go meet Chris in Arlington and all you see is grass, corn, and more grass. Ha! She even points out ONE telephone pole. El. Oh. El. Jade says it’s kinda romantic but she ain’t really feeling it. Hey, at least she’s being honest, because I would never be able to live there. His house is really nice though. Wasn’t expecting that. He shows her around and introduces his cows to her and no wonder Chris is so awkward around girls. I don’t think a single girl lives with 300 miles of him. Except for his cows. At this point, I feel like all the girls are just going to leave. Can anyone honestly leave everything and live somewhere like this? Like, I don’t know if you’re getting the picture here. This place is dead flat. Chris is even like “I don’t know what else to show you” at the end because there is literally NOTHING to see here. Unless your passion is land and doing different things to it, like Chris and his dad and uh yeah, that’s pretty much it. No one else.

OMG. There is only one bank, one meat store, and one grocery store called “The Market”. Jade says it’s tiny and that itself is an overstatement. This place shouldn’t even be on the map. There are no people or living things anywhere. Just a lonely deserted village. Oh and that is the downtown area.. Where all the buzz is supposed to happen. Even a coffee shop is too much for this place. It’s not hard to see why Chris feels so insecure about this place. Like they go to a football game, and I’m like where did the school come from? Did it magically grow from the ground because I don’t know where all those kids came from? Are there even enough kids living in this place to fill a whole football team? Then, almost on cue, my doubts are confirmed when I see some of the football players play in the band. Haha! These kids can’t all be from Arlington. I think it’s a school for like 8 different towns around.

Next, Jade gets to meet the parents! What?! And she’s the only one! I mean she’s already met the sisters so Chris is really betting on her and it doesn’t seem like she is that much. They then go into his old English classroom and start talking and kissing. I bet his teacher would love to see that happening. Jade was supposed to tell him something, but she decides that maybe the place where her future 6 year old learns how to write cursive isn’t the best place to do so. I agree Jade, I agree. Cue going back to the game with the in-laws and taking a bunch of selfies. Kudos to Arlington for knowing what those are. (P.S. Jade really reminds of Keira Knightly, I don’t know why. I think they look alike.) And as they walk on the football field, Chris puts up a breakfast club fist pump, though I’m fairly certain that the same epiphany made in the movie is NOT being made here.



The ever so lovely Keira Knightley

The ever so lovely Keira Knightley

Now it is time for Whitney’s date, the only blonde left in the group I think. They go to some art studio and surprise surprise, get to take pictures around Des Moines to document their love. I mean, that sounds fun and all, but homegirl was just a little bit too excited. Do you also not own a mobile device to take photos with? You live in Chicago, so you really should. She also says that she could be going on her first date in her new home. Girl please. Des Moines is like heaven compared to Arlington. We’ve all already seen that. If you think Arlington is like Des Moines, then you have got another thing coming.

Meanwhile, the other girls go road tripping to Arlington and they smell some cows and go in and out of the place in 20 seconds. Some girl’s mouth drops wide open and another raises her sunglasses to make sure she isn’t seeing a nightmare. Nope ladies, that is actually Arlington. Have fun living there forever! They try all the buildings and everything is locked, including the market, which one girl points out is not a good sign haha. They ask the pastor if there is even a place to eat, and he flat out says no. The only girls that can see themselves living there are Carly who sees a picture of Jesus while she’s looking in the church, and Becca, who wants to pop out babies to live here right away. I’m guessing that after seeing all that, Britt is just going to quit. I’m calling it right now.

Iowa? You want me to stay in Iowa? Where's that?

Iowa? You want me to stay in Iowa? Where’s that?

Back to Whitney. She gets to meet Chris’ friends, which wasn’t planned, but I honestly think that it’s more important to meet friends than parents, because friends really show you how a person is and what their personality is like, so good for Whitney. They asked her a bunch of questions too, which was interesting to see. I think the only one who I could actually see in Arlington is Whitney.

All that the girls have to report back is that Arlington is small. Nothing else. Because they were so speechless and they had nothing else to say. Carly also talks about how Britt is so fake because she tells everyone that she can live in Iowa, I mean forget Arlington, but then tells Carly and Kaitlyn how she would never be able to live there. Which, Kaitlyn affirms by scoffing when Britt says she loved Arlington. No Britt, let’s be real here. You didn’t. We are wayyyy past the lying stage. I think some of the girls are also seriously losing it. C’mon Carly, what is with the Britt hand. Creepy and awkward much? Imagine what Britt is going to think of you when she sees that play back.

Whitney time again! She tells him about her family and how she lost her mom due to a blood clot and doesn’t have a relationship with her dad. Then Chris takes her to see that one of the pictures that they took together was painted as a mural on a wall. Whitney freaks out, and I would too, because that just doesn’t happen everyday and it’s kinda permanent. It was like he was saying to her that hey, it’s gonna be you. So now, if it’s not, that really sucks because Des Moines has a mural of y’all on one of its walls. And Whitney says that she fell in love in that moment. I always struggled with this as well and it seemed that she did too. How can you just pick one moment and be like this is it? That is so hard. I feel like for me, it would just be a bunch of little moments, but Whitney said that after seeing that painting, that was the moment. And maybe that’s how it works. You don’t expect it. As cliché as it is, it happens when you least expect it (now if you’re expecting it’ll be when you least expect it, will it still be when you least expect it, because now you’re always expecting it. Lol sorry. Your brain hurts now, I’m sure). But I guess that’s why they call it “falling in love”. Because you can never force yourself to and you’ll never know when exactly you’ll fall.

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So now’s there a group date with Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn and nothing really happens except they go ice skating and Chris just falls down a lot. I hope they had an EMT on site, cuz he might’ve needed it. Britt then goes and tells Chris that she loved Arlington and that she could raise her family there and I’m sure all of America was like ehh, I don’t think Arlington sells your bright pink lipstick. Even if you could do some online shopping (do they have computers in Arlington? WiFi?), I highly doubt that the city has a post office to deliver it to your house. Carly then gets really upset that Britt is lying and rats her out to Chris. Kaitlyn is pretty invisible throughout the whole thing, minus the part where she gets pretend interviewed by Carly about how Britt is lying. What a great way to spend a date.

Chris confronts Britt. When will Chris realize that girls will not come out and tell the truth when they are confronted like that? Britt says “no, I would actually love to try Iowa”. Umm try? You have to be in it for the long haul girlfriend. And then they start kissing. So much so, that you can see Chris’ lips getting bright fuchsia pink from Britt’s lipstick. That’s attractive. Not.

But here’s the surprising part. Kaitlyn talks to Chris and tells him that she feels a little bit behind the others and that she is scared about him meeting her family and asking her father about something that is forever. Glad to see that people are still old fashioned in that sense. Learn something from that, ‘Magic!’, singers of “Rude”. If a dad says no, you don’t go ahead and run away with her. That’s a whole ‘nother story though. Don’t even get me started on that. Chris tells Kaitlyn that she has nothing to worry about and that she has stood out to him since day one and I actually kind of believe him. He just has this sincerity in her eyes. He gives her the rose, which means he is going to meet her family and Kaitlyn tells him that he is making her soft and like a nerd (no offense to nerds, nerds are cool people. I am still a nerd, nothing wrong with that). That is EXACTLY what I would say to my husband lol. Eww feelings! It takes a real man to bring a girl out of her tough and sarcastic shell, like Kaitlyn’s. And mine. And maybe yours too, Mimi.

As soon as Kaitlyn walks back to the rest of the girls with the rose, Britt blows up! She cannot handle it. Carly starts off by saying she had fun today and that she likes Kaitlyn so she is glad Chris sees something in her. Britt then interrupts Carly and starts to complain and ask Chris in front of the other two girls why she gave it to Kaitlyn instead of her and why he isn’t validating her. She said that she has given the most time and effort and he is just kinda throwing her to wayside and she doesn’t know if she wants him to meet his family. Drama in the house yo.

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Chris just gets up and leaves. He clearly doesn’t want to be confronted and talk about this so he says See ya later haters! And they don’t show yet another rose ceremony. Have they eliminated those from the ending of these episodes? Do they not like to show what happens now? Oh wait, I see. It’s for the “so dramatic that you won’t be able to believe it two-night bachelor event, because we don’t have enough drama at the hometowns that we have to hang this over your head”. Alright. Thanks for that.

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Well that is it for Week 7 Mimi. Sorry this post is so long. If it weren’t for the stupid “Tell Nothing” in the beginning, it wouldn’t have been as extensive, but I’m pretty sure it would’ve. The episode is already 2 hours long, so I apologize for the other 2 hours it’s going to take you to read this.

Not that I’m telling you to go watch the episode. Don’t.

Yay for doing this again tomorrow -_- Let’s see how much more “dramatic” things get.

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