Blogging the Bachelor: Week 8

Dear Mimi,

Hopefully this post will be shorter than the last, so here goes nothing. Welcome to hometown week y’all!

But, before that, we have the drama with Britt. As the rest of the girls talk about what happened the night before (read: gossip and overanalyze), Britt comes in and tells all of them that she is leaving. She doesn’t think that Chris is the man for her and doesn’t want to introduce him to her family next week. DIDN’T I CALL THIS? Read the last post if you don’t believe me! Carly does 436457389475 different voiceovers/interviews explaining how Britt always wants to be the center of attention, how she wants Chris to fight for her, how she is always so used to getting what she wants and when she finally realizes that Chris is forming relationships with other people, Britt wants to get out while she still can without looking like she was dumped. Carly goes “I don’t feel bad for Britt at all. It’s fun to see her squirm”. Homegirl even calls Britt out pretty much saying that “you say you are leaving now, but after you talk with Chris, you’re going to magically stay because you always change your mind whenever Chris tells you something and you always manipulate him”. Okay maybe not that last part directly, but it was inferred (confirmed in the 436457389476th interview). Well be careful Carls, because karma has a way of working things in lightning speed on the Bachelor. (Remember what happened to Kelsey and Ashley?)

I know what you did.

I know what you did.

ha! karma!

ha! karma!

Oh and through all of this, Becca has a date! Nothing much happened except they chill at Chris’ apartment, which looked like my hotel room from when I stayed at Yellowstone National Park, and they watch the sunset. Becca tells Chris she has never been in love. Join the club Becca.

“Up next, it’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” *Chris Harrison voice*. Yeah, cuz you’ve only been saying that for 8 weeks in a row now. There is no time to talk because Chris has made up his mind. In the middle of facing the girls and talking, right before he is going to hand out roses, Britt interrupts him and they go somewhere else to talk. RIGHT after they leave, all the girls start gossiping like little old ladies again. I’m surprised Britt and Chris didn’t hear them on their way out of the room; it was that instant.

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So Britt was going to tell Chris that she just doesn’t see herself with him and that she wants her husband to want her and her only (a reasonable concern) and that she is going to dump him and go home and nothing he says can make her stay. But, before she can barely even get the words “I apologize” out of her mouth, Chris does a complete 180 on her. He tells her that she is not what he had pictured his wife to be in terms of behavior and conduct and that she pretty much just lashed out at him and was being selfish and how that was not okay. Damn Chris! I didn’t know ya had it in you. Then he asked her about lying about Arlington and Britt asked if Carly ratted her out, but Chris says it doesn’t matter and that he doesn’t trust her anyways. Boom! It’s bye bye for Britt, who bawls like a freaking baby outside the house where all the girls and Chris can clearly hear her (maybe that was her intent?), which surprised me because I thought she wanted to go home anyway. Then again, what Chris said to her was all Sasha Fierce.

Disclaimer: I don't know who this kid is. Note to kid: if you stumble across your face on this page, I'm sorry for using it. I was admiring your Sasha Fierce-ness.

Disclaimer: I don’t know who this kid is. Note to kid: if you stumble across your face on this page, I’m sorry for using it. I was admiring your Sasha Fierce-ness.

Oh no she didn't!

Oh no she didn’t!

Chris comes back to the rose ceremony and pretty much says that Britt was not who he thought she was and that he finally saw the side of her that he had been speculating about. He thanked “everyone” who told him about her, aka Carly.

But alas, in a “shocking” twist of events, Carly goes home. To be honest, I knew this was going to happen before it even did. She puts on a brave face, but breaks down in the limo saying how her family has to see her sad again, like always, and why doesn’t anyone just want her. We all wonder that during breakups girlfriend, we all do. On the plus side, she is now free to become my best Galentine! Ovaries before brovaries ftw.

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Now it is ze time for ze hometownz. Becca is up first and takes him to a park in Louisiana, where they also canoe in a pond full of alligators. No thanks. If one of those came out of the water, I’m not sure there would even be a chance for a second date. Mostly because I would be eaten alive if the alligators could sense fear, or I would so paralyzed with it that I would just fall into the water and get eaten. So either way, bad ending. Thankfully though, all is well, and everyone still has all their limbs when they get out of the water. Becca takes Chris home and we learn that her family is very protective of her (aren’t all families?) and that Becca has never been in love or ever brought a guy home to meet her family and that she isn’t a very touchy feely person. It sounds like her family is reading off of my diary. Chris says he is concerned, which I think is douchey because hello?! She’s pretty much telling you that you are the first one she’s ever had any real feelings for and that you are special. Then the tube light in Chris’ head finally goes off and he feels excited about how cool it would be that he would be Becca’s first and last love. I swear, if it takes my husband that long to realize that about me, then I don’t need no man.

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Whitney’s turn is next and it’s in hey! Chicago! My hometown! But Chris has already been there a billion times, so Whitney takes him to her clinic to show him what she does (she’s a fertility nurse) and jokingly asks him to do some things that I don’t ever want you to know about Mimi. So moving on. She takes him home and pretty much tells her older sister that Chris will be asking for her blessing to marry Whitney and that she has to give her approval no matter what. Obviously, her sister doesn’t think it’s fair for Whitney to even ask for her approval and put that much pressure on her if she’s going to tell her what to do anyway. What’s the point? Mimi, I’m telling you right now. If I don’t like a guy and he doesn’t pass all my tests, there is no way I am going to lie and give my approval no matter how much you tell me you love him. ESPECIALLY if he is still with 3 other girls. Hell to the no. Sorry kiddo, that is just the way older sisters roll. You’ll thank me someday. And for that, here’s an advanced ‘you’re welcome’.

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Chris talks to Whitney’s sister and she tells him exactly what she should’ve and what she said she was gonna and asked Chris to call and ask for her blessing when Whitney is the only one left.

Next up, we have Kaitlyn, whose family is rich enough to live in Canada, but also have a winter home in Phoenix, Arizona. Dual citizenship eh? They record some rap lines together about their journey and what they’ve done and Chris just cannot rap to save his life. It was almost hurtful to watch. But they have a good time so that’s good. They go to meet Kaitlyn’s family and while she talks to her mom she totally says the word “about” like a freaking Canadian. Abaooot. It was funny to see. I think I relate most to Kaitlyn because just like her, I have a really big wall up. I don’t let other people see me get vulnerable and I have an extremely, thick and tough outer shell. It’s very hard for me to open up and be real about my self and my feelings. So going through what Kaitlyn is feeling, I can relate…well somewhat. I highly doubt I will EVER be in this situation in my life. If I go insane and decide to go on a show like this Mimi, I totally give you permission to knock me out and send me to Arlington, Iowa, err I mean, the middle of nowhere. Is there really a difference?

Kaitlyn shows Chris a billboard at the end of their date that says “Kaitlyn ❤ Chris”. I mean how much did that cost you? Was it worth it? Do dance instructors in Canada really make that much? I guess it was a cute gesture, but now it’s up there for a while and all the people on the highway are most definitely going to think it was for some kind of ‘progressive’ proposal. In other news, Kaitlyn has by far, the best, most quotable one-liners. I wish she would start doing stand up comedy.

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Then it’s Jade’s turn. Nothing really happens here either. Her family says she has a really wild side and is really nervous to tell Chris about what she did in the past. Let’s just say that she did some questionable things that she probably should not have done. Ever. And now it’s out there for everyone to see. Well, she tells Chris and you could totally see him scratching his head. He is just extremely baffled and I think a little disappointed. It just gets more awkward from there, but I’ll spare you all the details, mainly because I am too weirded out and you are my little sister. Stay innocent sweetie.

“Up next, it’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!” 4 girls left, but only 3 roses to give. Do the math and that’s correct! One girl has got to go. Sayonara sister. I’ll be honest I thought it would Kaitlyn since they show her kind of fidgeting around and looking all nervous. He calls out Whitney. Okay that was obvious. Then……it’s Kaitlyn! So now it’s between Jade and Becca. Dun, dun, dun! He picks…pause for dramatic effect so that Chris Harrison can hang on to a shred of truth….Becca. He walks Jade out. And as much as he says that it wasn’t about the things she did, I really think it was. I mean, Jade was the one that was chosen by his sisters and was the only one that got to go see his home in Arlington and meet his parents so far. That is huge and that means he really really liked her. Even after she leaves, Chris starts to cry. You can see how he really wanted her to be the one, but he knew that if he picked her with the things that she’s done, he would have to explain to his family why and he would have no excuse for that. So instead, he gives her the excuse that “things weren’t moving quickly enough”. Yeah okay Chris, you just met her family and she’s already met yours. How much quicker did you want things to go? Let’s all be honest with ourselves here. Furreal.

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And finally I get a break from the Bachelor this week. Two nights is more than the one night, which is already one night too many to dedicate to this social experiment.

Next week, we finally spend some money to get out of America the beautiful and go to Baaaaali. It seems like most of the trouble is over. Or is it? Let’s ask Chris Harrison shall we?

Enjoy 😉



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