Blogging the Bachelor: Week 9

Dear Mimi,

You already know what this is! Another week of the Bachelor! Let’s begin a dramatic new episode! for gifs!)

So we (ha! We. Lol), excuse me, they are finally in Bali! It starts off showcasing Bali’s landscape, people and lifestyle, and in the middle of the island’s preview, they show a giant monkey’s face almost butting into the camera. Umm alrighty then, but I agree, monkeys would make me wanna tear my hair out less. Chris points out that there is so much culture in Bali. Well, guess what Chris? There’s actually people here too. Did you see them? Huh? Did ya, did ya, did ya?!

Chris goes on to the say that the resort he is staying at is the most beautiful resort he’s ever been to (read: only resort he’s ever been too) and that he can see himself coming back here for a honeymoon. You think your future wife would wanna come back to a place that you already checked out with not only her, but also two other exes? Let me answer that on behalf of all girls: Heck to the no.

First up is Kaitlyn, who still says “about” in a very cute Canadian way that I just cannot stop smiling everytime she says it. She also has a man laugh, which is very distinct compares to Chris’ girly giggles. But it’s okay because I’m pretty sure I have a man laugh too. Laughter ftw! They go to a temple and check out the spiritual aspects of it while balancing baskets on their heads. The ladies who actually wanted to visit the temple probably just let them do it so they could get out of there, let’s be honest here. Then, they go to a monkey garden and omg, this was hilarious! I’m not even kidding! Seeing all those monkeys grab the bananas from Chris’ hands was so funny and it was even more entertaining to hear Kaitlyn just guffawing away in the background. Wow, that was pure, actual, good amusement that I was not expecting.

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

Then we get into the gross mushy gushy. This week seems to be a lot about feelings and “serious conversations” which you know I’m not a fan out. Feelings are not my forte. And this week is called overnight dates, which I’ll leave it at that. I’m not going to reiterate the very double meaning sentences Chris used to explain it at the beginning of the episode. Enough said. The talk will come when it needs to hun.

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They go to some kind of resort thing (is it the same one Chris is staying at?) and THEY DO NOT EAT AT ALL. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever seen them eating on ANY date where there is food. I see them drinking, sure, but eating? Never. Is the food even real? If so, why are they wasting it?! It’s not possible that y’all are never hungry! Aaaaahhhh! My money bets that it’s plastic.

Anyway, they go sit at a table and start talking about their feelings and what it’s like to be in love and how she thinks she’s in love with him and more blech stuff about the heart and the mind and butterflies and rainbows and poptarts and nyan cat (okay not really, but you get the idea). I’m actually really concerned. How can you fall in love with someone who you have spent maybe a total of 48-72 hours total with, and on top of that, is seeing 2 other people? This does not make any sense to me and I’m just confused. Is this real life? Wait, no, it’s definitely not.

Chris offers Kaitlyn to come and stay in a room called the “fantasy suite” for the night. Are you serious? Fantasy suite? That is what we’re going to call it?! Someone explain how this situation is going to be a fantasy (definition of fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable) because I just don’t get it. Kaitlyn agrees and says she has zero questions. Really girlfriend? Cuz I have about 83497549 of them. Then Chris smiles and says he’s falling in love with her too. Gross. Cue the love ballad and talks about “potential” and “taking things to another level” and “being relieved” and “being happy”. Okay, move along people. Get a room. Literally. Haha.

Whitney’s turn! Chris looks like he’s in some kind of Old Spice commercial with the shirt he’s wearing and look, I’m on a boat. They cue some stereotypical Eastern music and then oops, suddenly the boat driver? hits the dock and the music halts. L.O.L. Whitney has concerns because her hometown date didn’t go 100% and only went 99% because her sister didn’t say Chris could marry her. Well, ya know what Whit, life isn’t perfect, and older sisters know more than you do, personal experience. If you see yourself as being at a disadvantage with the guy you want to marry just because your sister has some kind of sense in her, then maybe you should reevaluate your priorities and the situation.

She goes on to say, as they are laying on this boat, that she feels completely normal and that it feels like real life and she feels like she has a lifetime. Umm, well this is real life as in you are actually living right now, but this is not real life in the sense that YOU DO NOT GO LAYING ON BOATS IN BALI EVERYDAY. Some, actually most, people have never even done that! And you do have a lifetime, is your sense of time still there? Or has the Bachelor stripped that of you too? Then they go jump in the water because just laying on it is only for rich people and they want to be “normal”. Okay then.

They go sit on a coach in a resort and Chris wants to ask her about moving to Arlington. Whitney is the only one that hasn’t seen it, so she has NO idea what she is going to have to deal with. Whitney says that she has worked hard for her job and she loves what she does, but ultimately she wants that diamond diploma. I don’t blame her for that. That’s what I want to, to be a wife and mom. Would I leave my hard earned job and moved to the middle of literally nowhere for that? It really depends. I also respect her for saying that she would never point to Arlington and want to be there voluntarily. The fact that she says that being just a wife and mom doesn’t always work out and you need to have something to fall back on was also very wise. That is true. You DO need to have something there just in case. You never know. I mean, I think, at least for me, that I need to have a balance between my career and my home life to be happy. But, I do not appreciate how Whitney said if she moved to Iowa, her career would be to have babies. Yeah, DO NOT EVER equate the two. It doesn’t work like that. Just no. Then, they go a fancy room and do God knows what. The end.

Oh, lookie here. What is this?

Oh, lookie here. What is this?

This is supermom right here. For real though.

This is supermom right here. For real though.

But then, there’s Becca! My favorite! Girl, I love you, but everyone on this show says that they cannot imagine a better place to fall in love about every place they go to. Is that really the case? Because I can think of a million other places to do so. That phrase can lit-rally (my boy Chris Traeger, Parks and Rec, whoop whoop! So sad that the show is ending today 😦 ) be said about 98% of places on the planet Earth. Becca says that she is nervous and is falling in love. Homegirl is also a virgin and I think it’s kinda sad that someone would be concerned about this and think it to be a dealbreaker. Society these days.

Insert sneaky Parks and Rec tribute here

Insert sneaky Parks and Rec tribute here

They go to a temple and ask the village medium to give some advice for their big night and he says as a direct quote to “make love”. Wow, Chandler says, could that be anymore ironic? They don’t really do much else on their date except take a walk, which I feel like they’ve been doing all of their three dates in a row now. Time for then to sit and talk in the same place as the other two girls and Becca is nervous. Chris, for whatever reason, that dope head is still concerned that Becca has never been in love before. He doesn’t think Becca will ever get there with him. Why’d you keep her there then? Becca is just beyond her years and the realist person on this hysterical show though, because she honestly tells him that finding someone to marry is a huge deal and that she only wants to do it once. Chris asks if she can see herself in Iowa, and Becca says that she would need some time to be really really sure. Kudos to Becca! Cue the golf claps. She pretty much just tells him that she thinks she is falling in love with him, and Chris says the same.

Dun dun dun! The card for the fantasy suite (uggh) has arrived. Becca starts to freak out because Chris could be taking a virgin there and she understands that there are temptations. I swear, realist chick ever. I’m also going to point out that her and Chris look extremely sweaty. I get that it’s super hot, but aren’t there makeup artists? Do your job people! She goes anyway and tells Chris, and he seems a little fazed, but I don’t think he’s bothered too much. He says he respects her even more for it. They talk. Her heart’s all in. They go to sleep.

Cut to the next morning. Zoom up on Chris on some porch (he has really small ears. How have I not noticed that before?) and Becca walking on the beach. Something did not go exactly right. Chris is confused about where Becca stands because she is still sorting this out and has some reservations. I mean, can you blame her? This is a relationship on steroids, on steroids. Double steroids. No wonder. But Chris doesn’t know what to do, especially when Whitney and Kaitlyn are completely ready. You can tell he really REALLY likes Becca though, because he starts to cry during the interview. He doesn’t want to make mistake and have regrets, which is understandable. Marriage is always a risky decision. You never know till you’re in it. Cut to the monkeys.

Look at this little face! Sho cute! Vote monkey for next Bachelor!

Look at this little face! Sho cute! Vote monkey for next Bachelor!

So who does he go to talk about it? Well, there doesn’t seem to be any other English speaking people in Bali, like a therapist, so here comes Chris. Chris Harrison. Who does nothing but ask dumb questions, which is going to help absolutely nobody. Is he even married? Is he qualified to do this? I mean all he actually does is tell people to take moments, say goodbye and LADIES, CHRIS, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT. No crap, Sherlock, because no one is paying attention to the one thing that they are all there for and these women are so uneducated they can barely count. Chris actually looks more distressed after talking to Harrison than he did before. Chris just ends up talking to himself about the situation the whole time. Stick to hosting Chris Harrison, you suck at counseling.

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It’s time for you know the drill, the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. Everyone is wearing Bali clothing and I love it. Way to immerse in culture. Good job. Cue the girls’ voiceovers. Kaitlyn says that Chris has every quality she wants in a husband and how it’s nervous to be in a situation like the rose ceremony where there is so much uncertainty. Whitney says she is confident and feels good about the ceremony (lies, who actually likes them? And why are they called ceremonies? There are a lot of naming issues on this show, which someone needs to fix) and she says that she doesn’t see any of the other girls having a stronger relationship than her. Well Whitney darling, you are not the other two girls. You do not know. Becca is nervous because she doesn’t know how things ended the night before and wants a chance to clear things up.

Chris asks Becca if they can talk and he takes her away. Kaitlyn and Whitney smile to each other as they leave because they are 273% sure that Becca is leaving. Be careful ladies. This is The Bachelor ladies, nothing is as it seems.

Becca and Chris talk maturely about their open and honest feelings and expectations and about what happened. This is how all relationships should be. If all partners in every kind of relationship, from parents to siblings to significant others, talked the way they did just now, the world would be a more accepting and understanding place. Becca tells Chris that she doesn’t want him to feel like they left things on a bad note or that she has completely taken Arlington off the table. She tells him that she does really have strong feelings for him and just needs a little more time to get to that point, and that she is willing to do whatever it takes to get there. Chris understands and says that he did put a lot of pressure on her that night and it’s because he has such strong feelings for her.

Meanwhile, Whitney says that Becca isn’t at that point yet and she doesn’t have as much life experience as her, whatever that is supposed to mean. She mentions that if Chris chooses Becca, she doesn’t know if she (herself) is the right fit for Chris since her and Becca are such different people. Kaitlyn says that if Chris is saying goodbye to Becca right now (which it did see like for most of the time), that she is sad for Becca, but is really happy for herself and that it’s kind of a selfish, but necessary situation. She is excited and happy to meet Chris’ family and can’t wait for next week. Oh Kait, it seems you have forgotten how fast karma works its magic on this show…

 Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 9.59.30 PM

Much to everyone’s surprise, mainly Kaitlyn’s who exclaims “oh shoot!”, Becca comes back with Chris, walking hand in hand. Whitney suddenly doesn’t feel so confident anymore and is feeling “pressure and is nervous”; where’s the Jay-Z song on the radio in the party in the USA to make the butterflies fly away?

Also don't know who this is, but hey, looks like he's having fun with elmo

Also don’t know who this is, but hey, looks like he’s having fun with elmo

After a lot of sighing and nervously staring off into space with dramatic music, he calls out Whitney. At this point, I’m screaming Becca, Becca, Becca, Becca! in my head. The music continues. The camera moves from Becca’s face to Chris’ to Kaitlyn’s and back again. And then, the music builds, builds, builds, Chris closes his eyes and says….Becca. Kaitlyn is hurt and her face shows it as she squirms. Chris walks her out while explaining. Kaitlyn tries to save face and doesn’t look at Chris. Then she asks what happens and Chris really can’t give an answer. He is still unsure and honestly doesn’t really apologize but just pities himself about how there is no right decision and how he is scared. (it is a leeetle bit funny how a rooster crows as he is talking though. Like, they don’t even try to cut it out) She tries not to cry and it’s a little grimacing to watch. Ouch. Kaitlyn doesn’t want to do this (as in sit in the car and do the interview right now) and I agree. Who was evil enough to suggest this idea every time? Well, she gives the interview and finally breaks down and says it was the most humiliating moment of her life and that is why she has a wall up so that she doesn’t feel this way. I agree Kaitlyn, I agree. That’s the end of it. Chris starts to cry.

***Next week on the Bachelor: It might be one of my favorite episodes ever. All. The. Girls. In. One. Room. For. The. First. Time. Since. The. Show. Ended. And. Since. They. Have. Seen. Each. Other. Ooooooh, this is gon’ be good (and according to Kelsey, remember her? a crucifixion).

How excited I am for next week

How excited I am for next week



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