Blogging the Bachelor: Women Tell All

Dear Mimi,

Choo choo! Jump aboard the drama train, cuz it’s a movin’! All these crazy women are back, ladies and gentlemen!

And finally, you're actually aware that New Mexico is in the United States unlike some people.

First Chris^2 go party crashing around LA. I didn’t even know that people had Bachelor viewing parties. Is this a thing? It’s literally a bunch of screaming girls jumping all over the place. Why, just why?! I will never understand. Chris says there’s nothing more fun than going around with Chris Harrison doing this. Really Chris, because I can think of 2782935792385 more things more fun than being surrounded by estrogen filled women with nothing better to do on Monday nights.

Wow, Chris actually begins by setting the scene like “A Tale of Two Cities” with that exact same opening line. Yeah cuz the Bachelor is exactly like the start of the French Revolution. Makes perfect sense. Next come the girls. I forgot how many there were.

After watching the playback (dang there really was a loooooooot of drama this season), Britt starts getting emotional and asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend the whole time. She described a scenario where they were having deep conversations and listening to music together and Carly doesn’t know what to say. She is literally trying to come up with a decent answer on the spot. Chris H. then calls Britt up to the “hot seat”. Then Jillian, out of nowhere, starts bashing Carly about how mean she was to Britt and tensions are running high. I’m talking like outer space high. Chris asks Jade what she thought and of course she agrees with Carly and you can see how people are taking sides based on their friendships.

I don’t know how to exactly narrate what happened next, but Chris asks Britt if she really would have lived in Arlington and she says yes, while Carly tells an entirely different story. They argue a lot about what was said and what might have been taken the wrong way and Chris Harrison finally interrupts and declares that they will never see eye to eye, which is 149% true. Britt says that she went on the show to find love and she thinks that she would’ve ended up with Chris if it weren’t for Carly. They cut away for commercial and come back early to show Britt saying again, privately this time, to Chris Harrison that she really thinks she could’ve ended up with Chris. I disagree with this, because if you recall, Britt was already ready to leave the show the night she was sent home and that was NOT because of Carly. It was because of Kaitlyn getting the rose instead of her and she was upset about that. So, as far as that goes, I don’t really know how much I’m buying what she’s selling.

Next up? Kelsey. Oh. My. Goodness. This is gon’ be good! We start off by watching Kelsey’s clips back. She starts to tear up, voice breaking and all, and asks for a tissue. Chris Harrision gives her his pocket square (really Chris? Are we that dressed up for this? I’m in my pajamas) and she starts to automatically laugh saying “Omg, are you sure? This is silk. I’m going to keep it!” while all the girls’ jaws literally dropped in the air like what the actual heck. You’re supposed to be crying, not discussing materials! Chris asks her if she sees how her actions could’ve been misinterpreted and she goes on to say yes and that she wanted all the girls to tell her that she wasn’t liked beforehand instead of saying it behind her back for a long time. During all of this, not one girl has a nice look on her face. Here are some of the faces made, with Kaitlyn’s being the absolute best. I love that girl! I will say it again, realest damn chick I know.

OMG I love her

OMG I love her

Yes, please continue all this crap.

Yes, please continue all this crap.

Oh Really?

Oh Really?

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 7.57.18 PM

LOL! :'D

LOL! :’D





Are you fur real right now?

Are you fur real right now?

Uh huh...keep going

Uh huh…keep going



Ok, no.

Ok, no.

And Kaitlyn again!

And Kaitlyn again!

This whole time, all the girls want to say something against Kelsey as she’s talking and I don’t blame them. Finally they get their chance and oh God, they rip her to shreds. Juelia (I’m surprised I remember her name) declares that Kelsey is one of the most calculated and fakest people she has met in her entire life, while Ashley I. lets out a little squeal. She goes on to say that she has also been through something very tragic (losing her husband to suicide) and she never says nor thinks that she deserves love more than anyone else like Kelsey did multiple times. I’m sorry Kelsey, but I have to agree with her. Camera edits can only go so far. Megan jumps in and says that her father also died the same way as Kelsey’s husband and her and her mom (Megan’s) felt offended while watching the show that she would use something that tragic like a tool to get a rose. Then, Megan says that if Kelsey was still grieving over her husband, why did she even go on the show? Boom! Roasted! All the girls start to clap.

If you think you are crazy, try matching up with Kelsey who used her husband dying as a tragic plot to win the heart of the Bachelor. She took crazy to a whole other level.

So many other girls jump in saying that you don’t say that your story is amazing when you’re talking about a lost loved one, and how other potentially really good girls missed out because of her, and how anyone of the other girls could’ve done the same thing and gotten a sympathy rose. Ashley I. states how Kelsey went from laughing to crying to giggling and says that she believed Kelsey fainted until she asked for Chris. “The last person I would want to see me on the floor in that emotional state is the guy I like!” declares Ashley, and again, I have to agree. I’m sure America does too based on how hard they clapped after that was said.

You've never faked a panic attack in order to get a rose because you knew you were getting the boot that night.

Chris asks Kelsey if there was anything she wanted to ask of the girls and she asked for their forgiveness. Ashley I. points out if Kelsey would like to apologize for being here (up top) vs. where was Ashley I.? Oh yeah, down there. But, Chris also points out that Ashley also said some mean things and that is the end of Kelsey. She explains that she didn’t mean to hurt or downgrade the death of anyone when she said her story was amazing and while she’s explaining the life she thought she was going to have with her husband when she met him at 19, it was a little hard not to feel for her.

Now it’s time for the actual crazy that is Ashley S. Ooooh lawd, this girl was a train wreck. She brings Chris an onion and says that she has started growing onions now, a thing she alluded to while she was on the show. She saw an onion on the tree and went to go pluck it before figuring out it was a pomegranate instead. God bless it! It was so funny when Chris the Bachelor is giving an interview saying that Ashley is pretty much looney and that he came to find someone to marry, not someone that will potentially kill him in his sleep and then she shows up. HAHAHA! She then explains that once she went behind the scenes because she was bored and saw all these people and thought they were betting on the girls in the house, which I assume people actually do. This is kinda like March Madness for adult women, dontchathink? Except with a lot more tears and drama. She explains that instead of crying and being all dramatic on the show, she just decided to be silly. Chris asks her to do Bachelor in Paradise, and after I looked this show up (those details will be left for another day), I laughed out loud. This is going out on a huge limb, but if she does that, I will watch Bachelor in Paradise JUST FOR HER, mark my words.

You have never talked about how people are like onions and have layers.

Wearing red, it’s Jade’s turn. Chris asks her what happened and why she went home and she says that looking back she does think it’s because of that secret that she had, but she didn’t get any closure from Chris the bachelor. After reading his blog (apparently both Chris’ have one) she learned that he thought it was “disturbing” that the side Jade’s family was describing to him was not the side that he was seeing. All Jade wants is some closure and the real reason why it didn’t work out, since she thought the hometown week went extremely well, while he thought the opposite.

Come on down Kaitlyn! Ugggh seriously have the biggest girl crush on this chick. During her playback, she said she masks emotions with humor and has a guard up. Right back at ya homegirl. She pretty much says the same thing as Jade. She doesn’t know where it went wrong and she has never been so blindsided in her entire life. She states that uses humor as a defense mechanism, but it doesn’t take away from the person that she is and that she isn’t ashamed from feeling all the things that she did and that she put herself out there and told him. She just wants to know what happened and why he didn’t give her even the tiniest of signs to let her know that she wasn’t the one. After all, he did say to her that he’s falling in love with her too. She’s thought about this everyday since she’s life and I can imagine that it must be excruciatingly tough. She’s never been more nervous in her life to see Chris.

So here we go. Chris the bachelor finally comes out. Oh man, facing 28 of your exes all at once? So much for reality. Let’s also mention that when Chris comes out, Britt looks like the waterworks are coming out….again. Girl, how much water do you drink? You’re like a human camel, I swear. Britt goes to hug Chris and this lasts wayyy longer than it should’ve to the point where it’s painstakingly awkward. Honey, he’s engaged now, let’s establish some boundaries. She gets up on stage and apologizes and Chris says that it didn’t work out between them because of other things that he saw in their relationship, not because of what Carly said. Kaitlyn goes next and while she’s talking, you can just see Chris squirming in her seat. Oh dang, is it fun to watch Chris squirm too Carly? Chris tells Kaitlyn that the week he let her go was the hardest week of his life and he was still making his decision while still at the rose ceremony and that he did the best that he could do. Could he have made better decisions? Sure. But at the end of the day, he tried to give the women the most respect possible. I mean, not that I have a basis for this, but he’s not called the most genuine bachelor in history for nothing, amiright? Jade then comes up and they also get some closure, which is nice to see, since it’s next to impossible to get some within 2 minutes after being dumped on national television.

Well, that is the end of the women tell all and boy, were there tears and drama. Are we sure this isn’t a spinoff of the Kardashians? I mean….c’mon. Chris Harrison wasn’t actually lying for once. Kudos to him.

19 Reasons To Be Grateful You Were Never On "The Bachelor"

Chris Harrison's face 99% of the time

Chris Harrison’s face 99% of the time

Next week, we find out who Chris picks. I really want it to be Becca. I’m excited to see, happy that it’s almost over, but also really squirmish because it is 3 dang hours of this. Why does it take this long?! Who has three hours of their time for this?! WHO? PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING SO I CAN OBTAIN A JOB LIKE THAT!




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