Learning to Let Go

Dear Mimi,

I wanted to write this post a while ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until now.

Several months ago, I met this guy. And yes, throughout life, you will meet many guys etcetera etcetera. But this guy was different. He was everything any girl, and more specifically I, would ever want: tall, handsome, smart, funny, kind, responsible, caring, trustworthy, successful. He was beyond my wildest dreams. I had lost hope that guys like him even existed, let alone having the pleasure of meeting one.

We were introduced by mutual friends and things proceeded smoothly. We talked, I met his parents, he met mine. Just the thought of him made me excited for the future and there was no doubt in my mind that he was ‘the one’. I didn’t even deserve him. He was too good for me. I considered myself lucky just to be able to get to know him. Things were going great.

Until they weren’t.

A few months in, he found out that I was applying for medical school, and then it was over.

I was beyond shattered. But more than that, I was hurt, confused, and angry. Was me applying to medical school really the reason why? Or was it an excuse for something else? Didn’t he know that from before? Why would he be so shallow minded? It didn’t suit him. He didn’t seem like the type of person who would be against that, considering that he was in medical school himself.

I went back, playing the scenes over and over and over and over again. Was it something I said? Something I did? Did his mom not like me? I felt like she did. Did he not like my family? Was I not educated enough? Was I not interesting enough? Was I not pretty enough? Did he meet someone else? It enveloped my thoughts. I was devastated. Deep down, I knew he was probably the best guy I’d ever meet. There couldn’t be anyone better. And with each passing day, with each passing thought, my heart sank more and more.

The days were lethargic and in the nights I couldn’t sleep, replaying every moment in my head, overthinking every word spoken, every glance taken, every smile given. I spent the nights praying to God, begging for a miracle. He was the first guy I had ever cried over.

When I was in high school, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my walls come down unless I knew for sure that the person I was with was ‘the one’. I didn’t think it was fair for my future husband to be compared to anyone, and I was afraid of getting hurt, so I wouldn’t let anyone in too much unless it was clear that I would marry him.

But with him, I was careless and stupid and I made a mistake. I let him in too much too soon, my logic heavily clouded by my emotions and imaginary dreams. Without him even knowing, he tore down the colossal walls around my heart like they were made of hay. I am usually so careful, with everything so planned out and thought over. But with him, it was like all my rules flew out the window. There was no need for them. I let him keep my heart in his hands, instead of in my own. And so I got hurt.

I’m not going to lie. It took me a long time and sometimes there are still think about what my life would be like now if he hadn’t walked out. But one day, after endless nights of tears and endless days of feeling broken, I realized something. Things happen for a reason. Maybe God was testing my patience. Maybe I needed to get hurt at least once so I don’t take love for granted. Sometimes, God puts difficulties in our lives so that we turn back to Him, so that we depend on only Him.

And you know what else I realized? That I am smart, and I am pretty, and I am interesting. And any guy that doesn’t see that, doesn’t deserve me. I want to be with someone who appreciates and accepts everything about me. Not someone who doesn’t believe in me and my dreams.

Do I hate him? No, not at all. He was a lesson for me, and at the end of the day, he’s still a diamond in the rough. Any girl would be lucky to have him, but that girl just isn’t me.

But hope is never lost Mimi. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean I have lost faith in love. I have trust and hope in God that someone better is coming. I know it’s hard to imagine but if God introduced someone like that in my life, of course He could bring about someone else 100 times better. Nothing is impossible for Him if you just trust Him and have faith. For now, I am just waiting and loving myself.

Love,

Didi

If you have failed in love or don’t have that special someone yet, don’t worry. It’s nothing but your future partner’s prayer to keep you single. -Unknown

 

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