Here we go again. As I get ready to sit through these 2 hours of pure imposition, I must inform you of my technique.
- I have not read or heard about or looked up or know of ANY spoilers. I am merely watching episode by episode with no other input. I have other things to do than look up anything further of the Bachelor fandom.
- I am writing my thoughts and my notes as I am watching the episodes in Real Time. Here is my set up.
- All opinions are my own and it’s all in good fun. Please do not be mean for having a different perspective.
- At the end of this episode, I will announce who I think will land in the final four and the person I see “winning”. I figure I am going to fail horribly at this.
Okay, right off the bat, is he really the most controversial bachelor in history? And he’s a bad boy? Give me a break Chris Harrison. They can’t be too bad or ABC wouldn’t shell out the gajillion dollars that they do for him to do this.
How hard is it to say “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor”? Lots of shirtless working out…hmmm, dude I’m from Chicago and no, this would not fly in the city. Next we cut to…eww gross! The black box?! No! Take it away! No one wants to see that!
So I guess this guy has been dumped on the Bachelorette twice now? Ouch. He talks about his mumbling, which as a 35 year old man, is a problem. He also claims to not know how to sit sideways on a couch. You think with 2 seasons of doing this behind him, he would’ve mastered it by now. Please learn to sit sideways on a couch. And he knows a thing or two about a broken heart? Make that eight or nine. If you have a “track record in this environment of ending in tears” and it’s “arguably likely to happen again”, why do this again bro?! Also, can we just get out of the way that he looks like a completely different person in his prom pictures. What happened? It’s nice that he seems to be very attached to his youngest sister Bella and his family though, which is endearing.
Now it’s time for the famous stuff! The photoshoot! The fandom! The rose petals! The cars! The getting touched at grocery stores! He wants to give America a happy ending? Oh God, please give me a happy ending by making this stop.
Oh hey, it’s Chris Soules and some other past Bachelors! They’re just talking to each other without Nick there. Is that what they do? Do they just meet up and talk about other people? Oh wait, there’s Nick, and he’s gonna “get advice”. I feel like the Bachelor is like getting married or becoming a parent: You don’t know what to do unless you’re actually in it. Lots of people hate him, so this will be interesting.
Nick says the women are “the unknown”. Oh honey, you would think with the amount of times you’ve done this, there are no more unknowns. And the guys make this known by making fun of him. Ben says to “be yourself”. Oh wow, such great advice. I feel like everyone wears a wire where the producers just feed them lines. Blah blah blah, some more “advice” and then hey! A lady limousine driver! I’ve never seen that before! (that is not sarcasm, I know, hard to tell at this point lol).
Okay, so now the women are coming, and they’re all wearing red (was this listed as Nick’s favorite color on his FB page?) so I’ll be taking notes in my notebook about each girl, because I’m only human and I can only remember so much red.
First off, we see the ever so lovely Chris Harrison. Back at it again with the dramatics (so 2016?). Is it really a Bachelor show if Chris doesn’t make a useless appearance. And then we have some previews, but I’ll just bunch that information together. Let’s get started with the women.
*meanwhile, some girl says, “We’re all adults here”* Yup.
AAAAAAAND COMMERCIAL BREAK!
At this point, all the girls start complaining about how everyone’s wearing red dresses.
That was 30 women. Holy smokes.
Alrighty, back to the show. Some girl wants to touch Nick’s hair but doesn’t want to seem weird. Talking about not judging a book by it’s cover but a lot of girls like the “cover”. Nick finally comes him and everyone starts cheering. I’m sure he’s enjoying that and he even gets a standing ovation. He starts talking about his memories in the house and his past and his future, blah blah cliche stuff. He wants someone with a strong personality and someone who is empowered as possible (which he’s having a difficult time saying, so empowering!). Some girl says she got chills from the empowering speech (wow great choice of words, how original).
Then, Nick starts talking to some girls. Nick has 10 siblings (OMG!) and talks to the lawyer, which is going pretty well. Then, yellow dress girl teaches him how to ballroom dance, and they look like Beauty and the Beast (ha! so much double meaning there). He laughs with the first girl who came out in the limo and she states, quite obviously, that everyone wants to get married haha. As soon as Nick says that he can now relax and enjoy the experience, our friend Chris H. comes in with the first impression rose. Cue the impending relaxation!
Now, instead of Nick, all the girls want the first impression rose. Corinne gives Nick a bag of tokens which Nick can redeem? Not sure what the purpose was behind that. Then the special needs teacher, (don’t remember her name), starts talking to Nick about how she really wanted him to be the Bachelor and the stars aligned. There’s soft music in the background and she feels the chemistry. As soon as it feels like they were going to kiss, Corinne comes in (again!) and steals him and says she wants Nick right now, right now! I’m already declaring her the villain. Then she kisses Nick like nobody’s business. Ugghh. Then they start talking about tokens, why??? Nick says he felt uncomfortable, and let me tell you dude, we all did.
Rachel says that there are girls stealing Nick, girls making out with Nick, and all I can think is that it’s not girls plural, it’s only one girl: Corinne. (P.S. You know what they say, it’s a bad thing if the teacher knows your name on the first day. The fact that I already know Corinne’s? I’m gonna let you figure out what that entails.)
Back to the dramatic violin staccato drama. Corinne brags about being the first one to kiss him and also calls him Nickolodean (cuz that’s what a girl with a nanny would remember). A lot of people apparently haven’t talked to Nick yet, so times a tickin’. So much so that girls are lurking in the shadows waiting for their turn as other girls are talking to him. Jasmine, the basketball dancer with the modern day Princess Jasmine dress, starts crying after she asks Nick for a minute and he says, “No, this girl asked first”. Meanwhile, the girls play “catch food in your mouth” with shark confused dolphin girl. A girl states that dolphin girls is wearing heels, which I actually noted in my notes! Dolphin girls then goes in the pool and I’m assuming she’s way too drunk to function at this point. Nick hilariously points out that the fact she thinks she’s a dolphin is a concern, after they argue about whether she’s a shark or dolphin.
So now comes the time where Nick talks to the girl that he’s met before. Nick says he was intrigued by you and how she rejected him when he asked for her number. It’s been 9 months, and Nick questions why she hasn’t asked for his number yet (needy, much?) They’re having a very heated conversation about Nick’s stereotype in her eyes and then boom! They, of course, get interrupted. That alone makes me know that she’s gonna stay. America wants to see this play out and ABC is going to give it to them!
Nick is talking to a whole bunch of people and Nick doesn’t know who Carrie Bradshaw is, which even I know who that is, though I have yet to watch the show. Danielle, the NICU nurse, finally has her chance, and the music changes. They have a nice, easy conversation, and I recognize her voice from the promo for this season, so I feel like she goes far.
Corinne starts doubting herself, asking if she looks okay, and claims to be okay, when really we all know the jealousy is making a permanent appearance. Nick comes and grabs Rachel, which yay! They seem cool together and she seems so down to earth and fun! I just hope this doesn’t backfire for her like it usually does. As soon as she accepts, they start kissing, and I simultaneously smooch my cat. Woah, then Rachel jumps to engagement rings and I’m like hold up, there’s still 8 weeks of crying, traveling, and drama left. Don’t ruin it for us!
Lol and we didn’t even have to wait 8 weeks for it! The tears are already flowing and the drama is arising. It can only be time for one thing: the rose ceremony.
The pressure is on as are the nerves. Here we go. Roses go to: Vanessa (B/W dress girl), Danielle L. (first girl out), Kristen (yellow dress), Astrid (purple dress), Corinne (no reminder needed), Elizabeth W. (white dress, don’t remember her), Jasmine G. (basketball dancer), Raven (country girl), Kristina (girl who’s freaking and crying the whole time, calm down chica), Danielle M. (NICU nurse), Sarah (lilac dress), Josephine (who willed her name into existence, aka the crazy one), Lacey (the camel girl), Taylor (don’t remember her), Alexis (shark confused dolphin, everyone starts laughing when she’s called LOL), Hailey (second girl who was freaking out, who acts like he just asked her to marry him), Whitney (Taylor Swift’s long lost cousin), Dominique (don’t remember her), Jaime (balls girl), Brittany (third girl freaking out, and then worrying about all the red dresses), CHRIS HARRISON WITH THE OBVIOUS FINAL ROSE, which goes to… Liz, like this was a surprise to anybody. Meanwhile, girls who didn’t get roses are making faces like this:
So much for graceful losses, ladies. Some girl says “See ya!” while leaving, which could not be a more untrue sentiment. Also, it’s like freaking morning when some of these girls are walking out. Another starts crying and says she’s a great girlfriend and would be an awesome (it’s all theory so far dearie).
Corinne starts talking and the first thing I notice is that scary Mario dark castle music in the background, which is so telling and it makes me smile. Let’s see what goes down next week. Should be interesting.
As far as my final 4 go, here’s who I have going to hometowns: Danielle M., Rachel, Vanessa, and Danielle L. I have Vanessa getting engaged to Nick at the end. Early call, I also think Danielle L. might be next bachelorette.