Let’s just dive right in (is Alexis rubbing off on me?).
Tonight on the Bachelor…there’s a helicopter ride, something with wedding dress, a ferris wheel, and oh goody, lots and lots of drama. Nick’s biggest fear is already that this is gonna blow up in his face and some girl slaps him (Josephine I think?).
First off, Corinne toasts to Nick and everyone is so excited that they can’t sleep. They all gush about Nick. Josephine is bursting with excitement. Now they’re just waiting for the date card besides all yelling Nick’s name in unison.
Right on cue, we get Chris Harrison. He explains how this works. There’s 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. He also states that not everyone will get a date this week, so aka no useless tears while complaining about time. First group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. Corinne goes “I’ve never been a bridesmaid”, probably because she doesn’t have that many friends. She also states she’d marry Nick today if she could. Girl, you barely know him. Hug tokens don’t lead to marriage.
They reach the venue and they all start running but I don’t think they know where they’re going. Lacey says that Nick could wear a potato sack and still look good. Ehh, debatable. Nick pretty much tells the girls that these dates are weird so have fun and don’t take it seriously. Wow, this is much more needed than you would think. They’re talking wedding photos today, so ha! Thing is though they’re all assigned a type of bride. Vanessa is the 80s bride, Alexis is a shotgun bride, and Brittany is an Adam and Eve bride so she only gets an underwear to wear?! How classy and non-demeaning. Everyone else is alas, a bridesmaid. And then of course, with no time for formalities, the drama begins. Corinne goes on and on about how she’s not wearing that much and she’s the hottest bride and how she’s already kissed Nick, and Taylor gets offended, saying she think Corinne is trying to psyche her out and girl, it’s already working. Next Brittany steps into the room half-naked and you can see Corinne’s face go from 100 to 0, real quick. There’s more than one problem going on here already.
And now time for the photos. We have an elopement marriage with Sarah, which is all kinds of weird, then we have a Biker wedding with Hailey, which why would anyone want that, then a shotgun wedding with Alexis, which OMG why is everything with this girl so cringey, then the 1980’s bride crew with Vanessa, which was one of the better shoots. Jasmine G., is already complaining and she kisses Nick. Umm hello, you’re the bridesmaid, not the bride. Danielle L., has the traditional wedding and she looks stunning. Everyone is kissing Nick now, but Lacey definitely takes the cake. She exclaims “tastes like Danielle” when Lacey kisses Nick after Danielle does and I just feel like it can’t get any weirder than that.
Now, it’s Taylor’s turn. She has the princess wedding and they look great. They chit chat with the photographer, who is wearing a pair of shirts 389275 sizes too small. Nick and Taylor kiss and it’s all very romantic. Corinne gets jealous back and wants to throw up everywhere.
Back at the house, the rest of girls speculate. Liz tells her story about meeting Nick before for the 80th time, and she’s already getting jealous. Dude, if you liked him that much, you had lots of chances and time to reach out to him!
Meanwhile, Nick comes out as Adam, and oh my Lord, why do they do things like that. It’s just wrong on so many levels. This is not fun for me to watch. Everyone stands up to give a standing ovation, while Corinne just sits down sipping her wine. Finally, Corinne gets her beach wedding and get this, no surprise here, takes her top off. Mimi, do not ever watch the first 20 minutes of this episode. Ever. That is not what you want in a wife. Have some more self respect for yourself.
Of course, Corinne wins the extra time with Nick and gloats in front of everyone. The photographer says they had the most chemistry, but I think it was something else, if you catch my drift. Imagine what both of their parents would say watching this. Ugghh.
We’re back with the night portion of this date to start having some more personal conversations and depth with each of these girls. Corinne brags to the camera that Nick held her boobs and that no one ever has before and no one ever will. I’m interested how you’ll explain that to your husband Corinne, because it ain’t gonna be Nick. Right off the bat, Corinne steals Nick. No wonder you’re never a bridesmaid honey, all the brides think that you’ll steal the groom. Instead of talking, Corinne just makes out with him. Taylor says “I know girls like Corinne, they’re not my friends”. They’re none of our friends. Oh boy, Corinne is already falling for Nick. Not the behavior of a multi-millionaire. She has no filter and no manners. She is the Regina George of the Bachelor.
Meanwhile, all the other girls get their turns with Nick. Some girls are questioning whether Nick is actually worth all the things they left behind. Raven discloses that her last boyfriend cheated on her and she just realized she wanted a better guy. Don’t we all darling? They have good conversation, and Nick says he likes Raven.
Is it just me or is everyone else also tired about Liz going on and on about she and Nick met before and everything over and over and over again. Also back at the house, Danielle M. gets a date card, the first one-on-one date, and the girls tease her about what to wear and fashion advice. She’s so excited and she squeals.
Just as Alexis and Nick get to talking about something that’s not sharks, dolphins, or pregnancy, Corinne, aka interrupting cow, interrupts them. Again. For the 100th time. Then Corinne tells the girls to get used to getting interrupted. Umm hello, you gotta get used to, or more accurately learn, some damn respect. I think instead of slapping Nick, that girl should’ve slapped Corinne. I can’t imagine how her nanny gets up everyday.
After commercial break, we see Taylor and Nick’s conversation. This girl is only 23, so I don’t know if this will work out. He remembers that she’s a psych major, which she finished in 3 years, like me!, and she barely gets her education out in the air, when who other than Corinne comes and interrupts them to make out with him again. Then they talk about nothing. Literally nothing. The other girls, feeling uncomfortable, start talking about Corinne’s future as Nick’s wife. Plot twist! Taylor comes back and steals Nick from Corinne this time. Now get this, Corinne gets pissed! Just after Corinne says that “if anyone interrupts me, I don’t have a problem with it”. Corinne vents to Jasmine and Jasmine is looking at her like:
Either way, I don’t really see Nick being to interested in Taylor and his words to her seem empty. Poor girl takes it the wrong way and thinks Nick likes her. Poor unfortunate souls, (and their brain! a la Taylor). Corinne then passively aggressively confronts Taylor, saying as long as there’s no situation about the situation, then we’re okay and they just keep discussing about who’s okay and who’s not okay. Corinne then goes on a rant about how she’s kinda the puppet master of this whole thing (while Chris Harrison is watching this back going ‘excuse me, that’s my job’), like how you have to be there for yourself and how friends and non-friends will interrupt you and make you feel weird. At this point, I’m thinking this is all just drunk talk. If it’s not, then oh Lord.
It’s time for the infamous rose. Nick makes some lame generic speech about how he wants to give the rose to everyone blah blah blah. And no surprises, he gives it to Corinne and I’m finally seeing why everyone in America has hated Nick for so long. If Nick wants girls like that, I would never, ever date him. Ever. Like EEEEEVVVVVEEERRRR.
Corinne gives another unwanted speech about how she feels and claims her Dad would be proud even though she was naked and she feels really good about getting the rose. “I put herself out there and was herself. I was. That’s literally what I did. XOXO Gossip Girl”. Yo, if that’s the real and basic Corinne, God help all of us. And Gossip Girl, you knew that was actually a guy right. Who did it in spite. Sorry for the spoilers.
Why are Lacey and Corinne such good friends? I was not expecting that. Everyone thinks that Corinne got the rose because she got naked and now other girls are contemplating doing the same thing. Where are my feminists at when I need them? Corinne also squeals, “Nick listens to me and guys don’t listen to me”. Maybe because they can’t stand you, because I know I can’t.
Meanwhile, every is so happy Danielle got the date because apparently she’s so nice to the point where some girls didn’t know people were that nice anymore. I love her already, she just seems so cool and she works with babies. What’s not to love?! They take a cool helicopter ride around the city and land on a yacht! What?! I want to do that! Danielle is from Nick’s hometown and they seem like they’re hitting it off pretty well.
The rest of the girls at the house are just waiting for the next date card. Liz decides to tell Christen about her past rendezvous with Nick, which again I’m so tired of hearing about at this point. Liz tells Christen everything while lounging on the beach, which Christen swears she won’t tell anyone about it. They talk about it and then they talk about it some more. There was a lot of alcohol, which Liz laughs about while Christen looks on awkwardly.
So Danielle and Nick are in the hot tub on a yacht in the ocean, while Liz is still venting to Christen. What a juxtaposition, and maybe some foreshadowing for the rest of the season? On another note, I can’t believe that I’m only halfway done with this episode. I’m already exhausted.
Nick and Danielle go to a dinner in a cute little downtown area. She is so giddy, it’s adorable. Danielle goes on to say that she doesn’t know much about Nick, other than the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise. Nick then goes into his whole sob story about he keeps making final 2 and each time the girls chose someone else. I can’t imagine how he did it. I would’ve changed my entire identity by now and moved to Alaska. But I guess at the end of the day, you never know what could happen if you don’t put yourself out there. Danielle herself went through some troubles. She was engaged to someone for 3 months, and he then overdosed on drugs and she was the one that found him. Imagine the horror. Nick tells her to remember the good moments and it was actually a very real conversation, which I genuinely appreciated. Of course, Danielle gets the rose, which Nick says was the easiest decision for him to make. And that’s where the Ferris Wheel comes in (and it’s coincidentally the world’s longest Ferris Wheel ride. Quite literally. There was a sign).
Next date card! Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz all “need to talk” with Nick. Highly relevant to Liz’s situation. Josephine says she hasn’t had these feelings since she was a teenager…? Why? Liz, on the other hand, is looking for clean slate and actually thinks they’ll get to talk. Have you ever seen the show? Not gonna happen. They meet Nick in Hollywood (or Hollyweed, depending on the sign haha) at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Nick declares he’s no stronger to broken relationships, which is this also a foreshadowing for Liz and Nick’s future? I actually want to visit this museum though, it seems weirdly interesting. Nick actually donates a rose and the engagement ring he bought for Kaitlyn, and Nick now thinks of hope when he sees the ring. Christen hangs back imagining how big her ring would be if she got engaged to Nick. Meanwhile, there’s a huge breakup fight happening and all the girls think it’s a real fight, but I’ve seen this show enough times (aka once) to know it’s just acting. All the girls have to break up with Nick in front of a live audience and I’m more than excited to watch this. Also, it’s so awkward with how Nick interacts with Liz, it’s almost forced and kinda avoidant, which Liz AND Christen pick up on. Liz tears up and says all she wants to do is move forward, but things seem to be speeding up in the opposite direction as of now.
All the women and Nick observe other break up relationships, but all of those seem boring. First up is Astrid, who rejects a rose after accepting it, exclaiming that he’s dating other women as well, a nice jab at the show. Kristina goes all crazy dental hygienist asking about flossing and brushing. Is that really a reason to break up? Jaimi complains about dirty dishes, laundry, and facial hair all over the sink. Christen complains about how much effort she puts in that Nick doesn’t notice. Josephine wastes no time and gives him one tight slap as a response to Nick’s drinking. Hers was the best in my opinion. Last, but not least, we have Liz. She gets up and starts reading from her diary. Revealing to all the girls that she knew him prior with a biographical ballad. There was nothing fictional about it and it was pretty emotional. Even the background music changed! Nick rolls his eyes and he is NOT having it. She kinda calls him out and everyone is silent. Even I’m confused. Was she actually breaking up with him? No one, including me, was sure at this point, and Nick was speechless. That was insane.
Much to Liz’s goal, Nick at last decides it’s time to have a conversation with Liz. During the night portion, they meet at an empty nightclub. Nick, reflecting on Liz’s performance, calls it his nightmare. He’s talking with the other women, but something (Nick) tells me that his head is preoccupied with Liz and their past. But wait! First, Jaimi reveals that she has dated a girl before. That was unexpected and very blunt, but they laugh and joke about it, so I guess it’s not that big of a deal. Now, it’s Christen’s turn. She brings up Liz and Nick goes back in his shell. Christen tells Nick that Liz told her everything and Nick gets very very very very very very very sweaty and awkward, asking Christen what Liz said. He starts freaking out and decides to grab Liz, who I just noticed has a tattoo on her back. Here we go.
At this point I realize there’s only 8 minutes left in the show and I’m wondering why the second half went by so much quicker than the first. Maybe it was Corinne ruining that too.
Nick and Liz go to a very secretive place to talk. Nick justifies himself saying that if Liz wanted to date him, she had a lot of time to reach out to Nick. Nick states that it was a pleasant surprise when Liz showed up night 1, but it raised some questions. He points out that they have mutual friends that she could have gotten Nick’s number and he’s struggling with that. Liz fires back saying that she didn’t get his number because she doesn’t know him and she knew that Nick was off doing other things like shooting Bachelor in Paradise. She also states that she doesn’t like phone conversations with people she knows? But she just said that she doesn’t know Nick, which was her reason for coming to the show. Not to hate on Liz or anything, but Nick tells the camera what we’re all, or at least I’m, thinking: the more he talks to Liz, the less she makes sense.
The girls realize that Nick and Liz have been gone a very long time and Christen lets out one of those “it’s not my business, so I’m not gonna tell” lines. Of course, now the girls know something is up. Very subtle Christen. Liz reaffirms that she wants to see if there is a connection between them, and Nick restates that he had a lot of fun the night they met, but when Liz rejected his advances for her number, he kinda said goodbye and didn’t want anything else from it. So Nick bluntly tells her, there is no future for us and sends her home THAT night! At that very moment! They hold hands (which why? you just broke up) and he walks her out.
Nick is scared that some of the women may decide to leave after he tells the rest of the girls what happened and the full story. Dude, do you really think that’s going to happen? I mean, come on. Nick tells the girls that Liz is gone and Jaimi for some reason gets really defensive. He lays everything out on the table and cue the dramatic music! Thank you ABC for that very necessary edit, and of course, IT’S TO BE CONTINUED with a very vague preview for next week.
And that’s only week 2. Sorry for the amount of times the word ‘Corinne’ appears in this post. I think it was justified.