Blogging the Bachelor: Season 21, Episode 3

Dear Mimi,

It’s Tuesday in January, so you know what that means! Another installment of Blogging the Bachelor. Let’s see what is to be continued from last week.

Ignoring the crime show like “previously on The Bachelor”, right off the bat, Kristina and Whitney (look how great I’m getting with names!) and some other girls discuss what happened last night (aka his history with Liz). Oh jeez, they’re about to have a rose ceremony! I totally forgot they were going to have one of those. I was expecting them to just continue with the last group date. Anyway, there is a rose ceremony, and Nick comes in and explains the whole situation to all the girls. He claims that he’s an open book, but I’ve seen him quiver last week, so that’s questionable.

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Literally Nick

Blah, blah, blah, the girls are still discussing all of this with each other, and with Nick, so really nothing interesting here. Just a lot of disappointing build-up from ABC. Lacey (camel girl), however, brought up how Nick’s situation is similar to Andi and Kaitlyn, which they didn’t show the rest of, but I wish they had. At this point, it seems like Nick is just over talking about this whole thing, but that’s the only thing the girls are talking about it. Meanwhile, Nick and Danielle L. have a great conversation and even those on the moon can see that Nick is really nervous when he’s talking to her.

Oh look who’s back. It’s Corinne. Yay. Corrine is mad that someone else slept with Nick before her (yo dude, I’m pretty sure that list has a lot more girls than just Liz. He’s 35). And instead of being classy and just wearing a dress, well, let’s just say she’s only wearing a jacket so she can one-up everyone else. Are we secretly in a Nintendo Mario game during this rose ceremony?

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To Corinne, From the World


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Blogging the Bachelor: Season 21, Episode 2

Dear Mimi,

Let’s just dive right in (is Alexis rubbing off on me?).

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This should have been her opening line.

Tonight on the Bachelor…there’s a helicopter ride, something with wedding dress, a ferris wheel, and oh goody, lots and lots of drama. Nick’s biggest fear is already that this is gonna blow up in his face and some girl slaps him (Josephine I think?).

First off, Corinne toasts to Nick and everyone is so excited that they can’t sleep. They all gush about Nick. Josephine is bursting with excitement. Now they’re just waiting for the date card besides all yelling Nick’s name in unison.

Right on cue, we get Chris Harrison. He explains how this works. There’s 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. He also states that not everyone will get a date this week, so aka no useless tears while complaining about time. First group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. Corinne goes “I’ve never been a bridesmaid”, probably because she doesn’t have that many friends. She also states she’d marry Nick today if she could. Girl, you barely know him. Hug tokens don’t lead to marriage.

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Literally an inner working of Corinne’s brain at this point.

They reach the venue and they all start running but I don’t think they know where they’re going. Lacey says that Nick could wear a potato sack and still look good. Ehh, debatable. Nick pretty much tells the girls that these dates are weird so have fun and don’t take it seriously. Wow, this is much more needed than you would think. They’re talking wedding photos today, so ha! Thing is though they’re all assigned a type of bride. Vanessa is the 80s bride, Alexis is a shotgun bride, and Brittany is an Adam and Eve bride so she only gets an underwear to wear?! How classy and non-demeaning. Everyone else is alas, a bridesmaid. And then of course, with no time for formalities, the drama begins. Corinne goes on and on about how she’s not wearing that much and she’s the hottest bride and how she’s already kissed Nick, and Taylor gets offended, saying she think Corinne is trying to psyche her out and girl, it’s already working. Next Brittany steps into the room half-naked and you can see Corinne’s face go from 100 to 0, real quick. There’s more than one problem going on here already.

And now time for the photos. We have an elopement marriage with Sarah, which is all kinds of weird, then we have a Biker wedding with Hailey, which why would anyone want that, then a shotgun wedding with Alexis, which OMG why is everything with this girl so cringey, then the 1980’s bride crew with Vanessa, which was one of the better shoots. Jasmine G., is already complaining and she kisses Nick. Umm hello, you’re the bridesmaid, not the bride. Danielle L., has the traditional wedding and she looks stunning. Everyone is kissing Nick now, but Lacey definitely takes the cake. She exclaims “tastes like Danielle” when Lacey kisses Nick after Danielle does and I just feel like it can’t get any weirder than that.

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Blogging the Bachelor: Season 21, Episode 1

Dear Mimi,

Here we go again. As I get ready to sit through these 2 hours of pure imposition, I must inform you of my technique.

  1. I have not read or heard about or looked up or know of ANY spoilers. I am merely watching episode by episode with no other input. I have other things to do than look up anything further of the Bachelor fandom.
  2. I am writing my thoughts and my notes as I am watching the episodes in Real Time. Here is my set up.

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    Bachelor on top, Blogging on bottom

  3. All opinions are my own and it’s all in good fun. Please do not be mean for having a different perspective.
  4. At the end of this episode, I will announce who I think will land in the  final four and the person I see “winning”. I figure I am going to fail horribly at this.
  5. Enjoy!

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Blogging the Bachelor: Women Tell All

Dear Mimi,

Choo choo! Jump aboard the drama train, cuz it’s a movin’! All these crazy women are back, ladies and gentlemen!

And finally, you're actually aware that New Mexico is in the United States unlike some people.

First Chris^2 go party crashing around LA. I didn’t even know that people had Bachelor viewing parties. Is this a thing? It’s literally a bunch of screaming girls jumping all over the place. Why, just why?! I will never understand. Chris says there’s nothing more fun than going around with Chris Harrison doing this. Really Chris, because I can think of 2782935792385 more things more fun than being surrounded by estrogen filled women with nothing better to do on Monday nights.

Wow, Chris actually begins by setting the scene like “A Tale of Two Cities” with that exact same opening line. Yeah cuz the Bachelor is exactly like the start of the French Revolution. Makes perfect sense. Next come the girls. I forgot how many there were.

After watching the playback (dang there really was a loooooooot of drama this season), Britt starts getting emotional and asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend the whole time. She described a scenario where they were having deep conversations and listening to music together and Carly doesn’t know what to say. She is literally trying to come up with a decent answer on the spot. Chris H. then calls Britt up to the “hot seat”. Then Jillian, out of nowhere, starts bashing Carly about how mean she was to Britt and tensions are running high. I’m talking like outer space high. Chris asks Jade what she thought and of course she agrees with Carly and you can see how people are taking sides based on their friendships.

I don’t know how to exactly narrate what happened next, but Chris asks Britt if she really would have lived in Arlington and she says yes, while Carly tells an entirely different story. They argue a lot about what was said and what might have been taken the wrong way and Chris Harrison finally interrupts and declares that they will never see eye to eye, which is 149% true. Britt says that she went on the show to find love and she thinks that she would’ve ended up with Chris if it weren’t for Carly. They cut away for commercial and come back early to show Britt saying again, privately this time, to Chris Harrison that she really thinks she could’ve ended up with Chris. I disagree with this, because if you recall, Britt was already ready to leave the show the night she was sent home and that was NOT because of Carly. It was because of Kaitlyn getting the rose instead of her and she was upset about that. So, as far as that goes, I don’t really know how much I’m buying what she’s selling.

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Blogging the Bachelor: Week 9

Dear Mimi,

You already know what this is! Another week of the Bachelor! Let’s begin a dramatic new episode! for gifs!)

So we (ha! We. Lol), excuse me, they are finally in Bali! It starts off showcasing Bali’s landscape, people and lifestyle, and in the middle of the island’s preview, they show a giant monkey’s face almost butting into the camera. Umm alrighty then, but I agree, monkeys would make me wanna tear my hair out less. Chris points out that there is so much culture in Bali. Well, guess what Chris? There’s actually people here too. Did you see them? Huh? Did ya, did ya, did ya?!

Chris goes on to the say that the resort he is staying at is the most beautiful resort he’s ever been to (read: only resort he’s ever been too) and that he can see himself coming back here for a honeymoon. You think your future wife would wanna come back to a place that you already checked out with not only her, but also two other exes? Let me answer that on behalf of all girls: Heck to the no.

First up is Kaitlyn, who still says “about” in a very cute Canadian way that I just cannot stop smiling everytime she says it. She also has a man laugh, which is very distinct compares to Chris’ girly giggles. But it’s okay because I’m pretty sure I have a man laugh too. Laughter ftw! They go to a temple and check out the spiritual aspects of it while balancing baskets on their heads. The ladies who actually wanted to visit the temple probably just let them do it so they could get out of there, let’s be honest here. Then, they go to a monkey garden and omg, this was hilarious! I’m not even kidding! Seeing all those monkeys grab the bananas from Chris’ hands was so funny and it was even more entertaining to hear Kaitlyn just guffawing away in the background. Wow, that was pure, actual, good amusement that I was not expecting.

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

Then we get into the gross mushy gushy. This week seems to be a lot about feelings and “serious conversations” which you know I’m not a fan out. Feelings are not my forte. And this week is called overnight dates, which I’ll leave it at that. I’m not going to reiterate the very double meaning sentences Chris used to explain it at the beginning of the episode. Enough said. The talk will come when it needs to hun.

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They go to some kind of resort thing (is it the same one Chris is staying at?) and THEY DO NOT EAT AT ALL. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever seen them eating on ANY date where there is food. I see them drinking, sure, but eating? Never. Is the food even real? If so, why are they wasting it?! It’s not possible that y’all are never hungry! Aaaaahhhh! My money bets that it’s plastic. Continue reading

Blogging the Bachelor: Week 8

Dear Mimi,

Hopefully this post will be shorter than the last, so here goes nothing. Welcome to hometown week y’all!

But, before that, we have the drama with Britt. As the rest of the girls talk about what happened the night before (read: gossip and overanalyze), Britt comes in and tells all of them that she is leaving. She doesn’t think that Chris is the man for her and doesn’t want to introduce him to her family next week. DIDN’T I CALL THIS? Read the last post if you don’t believe me! Carly does 436457389475 different voiceovers/interviews explaining how Britt always wants to be the center of attention, how she wants Chris to fight for her, how she is always so used to getting what she wants and when she finally realizes that Chris is forming relationships with other people, Britt wants to get out while she still can without looking like she was dumped. Carly goes “I don’t feel bad for Britt at all. It’s fun to see her squirm”. Homegirl even calls Britt out pretty much saying that “you say you are leaving now, but after you talk with Chris, you’re going to magically stay because you always change your mind whenever Chris tells you something and you always manipulate him”. Okay maybe not that last part directly, but it was inferred (confirmed in the 436457389476th interview). Well be careful Carls, because karma has a way of working things in lightning speed on the Bachelor. (Remember what happened to Kelsey and Ashley?)

I know what you did.

I know what you did.

ha! karma!

ha! karma!

Oh and through all of this, Becca has a date! Nothing much happened except they chill at Chris’ apartment, which looked like my hotel room from when I stayed at Yellowstone National Park, and they watch the sunset. Becca tells Chris she has never been in love. Join the club Becca.

“Up next, it’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” *Chris Harrison voice*. Yeah, cuz you’ve only been saying that for 8 weeks in a row now. There is no time to talk because Chris has made up his mind. In the middle of facing the girls and talking, right before he is going to hand out roses, Britt interrupts him and they go somewhere else to talk. RIGHT after they leave, all the girls start gossiping like little old ladies again. I’m surprised Britt and Chris didn’t hear them on their way out of the room; it was that instant.

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Blogging the Bachelor: Week 7

Dear Mimi,

So we have come to week 7 of el bach-e-lor. And apparently it is a special two-night event because it is sooo big. It seems like they enjoy overemphasizing things. Also, can I just say that there is absolutely no reason for Chris Harrison to do dramatic turns and hand movements while turning towards different cameras. This is a reality dating show, not an intense murder mystery. In fact, there only needs to be one camera, if any, for him to talk to.

Sorry, I had to.

Sorry, I had to.

First off there is something called “Chris Tells All” where the bachelor himself and a couple other people sit down and talk about stuff that happened and reveal oh so many juicy secrets that we have failed to see as viewers because we were too busy cringing at the show for 2 hours voluntarily each Monday night than actually watching it. Personally, I think this part is dumb. As they say, a picture (or heavily edited reality TV) is worth more than the not even thousand words that Chris can barely get out of his mouth.

Chris Tells All

First we have Kelsey, that pompous girl whose laugh I cannot ever believe is actually real. Chris Harrison pretty much just asks her why she is so fake, if she thinks she is smarter than the other girls (she takes a long pause, answers ‘yes’ in her head, replies ‘no’ out loud and then they show a bunch of clips of her saying otherwise…good edit producers) and why she is so controversial. To which she does that horrid laugh and asks if she’s really that controversial and then goes on to use a sentence like, and I quote “a flippant comment was misconstrued and had I known I would’ve ameliorated it”. Now mind you, I actually had to look up the word ‘ameliorated’ to make sure she used it in the right context. You know, because all normal people use that word in everyday conversation. Later on though, she does say she had no malintentions, which BOOM sister! That is not a real word! It is appearing as a red squiggly underline in my word document. Justice has been served. She also says that being confronted by the other girls later on will be a crucifixion. Umm, don’t you think that is a little bit extreme to describe a social situation in which people are just talking. Then again, these are girls we’re talking about, so according to Ellie Goulding, anything can happen.
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Blogging the Bachelor: Week 6

Dear Mimi,

So apparently, I watched 5 episodes, not 4. My bad.

Anywho, let’s just start with episode 6.

Okay, so they didn’t finish the rose ceremony from last time, and that’s what they start with. This chick who apparently has a “panic attack” to get a sympathy rose (roses are what they get so they can stay for one more week). And this girl is on the floor hysterically just laughing and breathing and I’m just like girl, my 4 year old sister can do better acting than that. One girl even says that if the fake girl gets a rose, she might spontaneously combust. LOL.

Moving on. One girl cries because she doesn’t have a sad story in her life. Wow, what has the world come to? Instead of being grateful, we actually want bad things to happen to us and are crying over it. Also, the single mom finally got eliminated. That should’ve happened a while ago. And she even says that she will never get over it, which further justifies just how immature she is. I also hate how every single place these people go to, they’re always like “This is the perfect place to fall in love”. Yeah, okay.

Cut to a scene where they show Chris shaving. WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE SOMEONE GO THRU HIS OR HER PERSONAL ROUTINE I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Then he says, I’m not looking for drama, I’m looking for a wife. Well dude, you should know that if you put 15 girls together all fighting for you, they kinda go hand in hand. Just saying. Also, Deadwood, South Dakota? Does love go to die there or is it just the trees? Carly, by the way can I just say, is one of my favorites. She is just so damn real and I love it. I think we could be best friends. Continue reading

Blogging the Bachelor: Weeks 1-4

Dear Mimi,

Umm so okay. I don’t know what I just watched, but it was weird, and cringe worthy, yet highly entertaining. Sure it was boring at most times, and I didn’t care much for the dates (seriously? Rolling around in an inflatable ball in the middle of Costco?! Have some decency!), but these people were just downright obnoxiously hilarious. Where do the producers find these people? I really want to know.

Let’s start with the Bachelor himself, Chris. Homeboy can’t talk for his life. I mean, I guess as a farmer in Iowa, you aren’t ever in situations where you need to talk with any sort of eloquence, but still man! You’re on national TV! You should’ve visited your old teacher at her one room schoolhouse and practiced. I’m surprised no one has left because of that yet, because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who has that much trouble putting sentences together. Also, this guy just must not see a lot of women in his everyday life or just loves women way too much to have any self-control. I feel like more than eating the food on his dates, he’s eating the women’s faces instead, like some kinda weird romantic cannibal. Can I point out that more than one woman called him out on it?! That’s when you know, bro. Either way, it is just too shameless and not classy.

Now onto the women. So I think we have everyone and everything from a sports fishing enthusiast (which I think is just a fancy way of saying I don’t have a job and would rather just lay on a boat all day) to a cruise ship singer (how are you gonna go from that to living on a farm in the middle of nowhere?) to a couple journalists to a waitress to some teachers/guidance counselors to a cheerleader, a plus sized model who doesn’t look plus sized at all, to some single moms, one of which is 21. Yeah, can we talk about that? Why is she here? What in her right mind thought this was a good idea? I am pretty much her age, and while I might possibly maybe perhaps be ready to consider contemplating the mere IDEA of marriage, it definitely wouldn’t be with someone who is 12 years older than me. Also, she has a kid. Like seriously? Do you actually think he’s gonna pick you? Go home and spend time with your child. Continue reading