#RishtaRoulette: Stuck in the 1950’s
Him: So what are you planning to do?
Me: I just finished applying to medical school.
Him: Oh. *pause* So you want to be a doctor?
Me: Yeah, that’s the plan.
Him: *even longer pause* Oh.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: Yeah, it’s just I don’t want to marry someone who will make more money than me.
#RishtaRoulette: Age is but a Number
~So this was actually the dude’s mom, who stopped me as I was coming down the stairs at a banquet. Keep in mind I have no cahoots as to who this lady was. My friend and I were descending the stairs after sneaking up to get some pizza. This is the only time pizza has failed me.~
Her: You look so pretty dear.
Me: Thank you Auntie. *proceeds to keep going down the stairs*
Her: Wait, I want your mom’s number. I want you to marry my son.
Me: *extremely weirded out* My mom is actually in India right now (this was true).
Her: It’s okay, I can call her when she gets back. When is she coming back?
Me: No Auntie. Thank you very much, but I’m too young now. (I was 18).
Her: Nonsense. 18 is a perfect age to get married. My son isn’t that old either. He’s only 28.
Welcome to my new little tid-bit, Rishta Report. As I continue to go thru this tumultuous journey that Nani is convinced is actually one of the best things I can do, might as well share them all with you, so that you know what to expect when you’re older. Or you can wallow with me in your misfortune when your time comes. Either one, your choice.
Starting now, I’ll “report” (see what I did there) on the ups and (hopefully not many) downs of this process, and we’ll see how it goes. Better than being on ‘The Bachelor’, right?
Rishta Report: What the Aunties Don’t Tell You
Once you hit 20, all the aunties automatically know. It’s like they have an alarm so that they know when they can start pestering you about getting married. Where these alarms are, I have yet to find out. But when I do, I will destroy them all. I promise.
Anyway, so now all the aunties are telling you how great it is to be married and automatically deem themselves the matchmaker lady of the world, so they’re all throwing these guys at you and you’re just existing, feeling like this:
I swear to you, it’s in the auntie handbook. Page 1: ‘First Rule of Being an Auntie: Encourage marriage at all opportunities. Heck, don’t even wait for an opportunity. Just bring it up always and often. And continuously have different rishtas to suggest’. There you go.
#RishtaRoulette: Bollywood’s Biggest Fan
Him: Have you ever met a Bollywood celebrity?
Me: Yeah, I met ShahRukh Khan once.
Him: I’ve met him too. And Hrithik Roshan, Katrina Kaif, Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, Parineeti Chopra, Priyanka Chopra, and Siddharth Malhotra.
Me: Oh, cool.
Him: It’s one of the perks of the ‘hashtag diplomat life’ you know? (Yes, I can’t believe he actually used the word ‘hashtag’ in conversation either). If we get married, you’ll get to meet all of them too.
Marriage…with you..?? Never!!
Him: Oh, and Aditya Roy Kapoor. Forgot about him.
Him: *sipping tea* I don’t think I can marry someone who doesn’t drink tea.
Me: I don’t like tea.
Him: Well, I’m not very picky, but as long as you can make good tea, I think we’ll be okay.
Also Me: *imagines wedding day*
#RishtaRoulette: Book Smart
Me: So what books have you read recently?
Him: I don’t read books. Even in high school, I used SparkNotes for everything. Smart, right?
The struggles of a brown girl to get married is not one to overlook. Oh the guys you’ll come across. It’s quite a disgrace to the rest of the brown population.
Hence, I’m introducing a new segment that perfectly captures this experience. Introducing #RishtaRoulette.
So world, if you have any weird, awkward, funny, or embarrassing rishta stories, let me know below! I would love to feature them in this section, mainly because I’m really hoping I’m not the only one with the misfortune of meeting people like this:
Also, while we’re speaking of the horrors of the rishta process, check out The Single Muslimah. She captures the essence of it in hilarious memes. It’s definitely worth a look-see.
Enjoy your childhood Mimi.