Blogging the Bachelor: Week 9

Dear Mimi,

You already know what this is! Another week of the Bachelor! Let’s begin a dramatic new episode!

https://twentiestribe.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/giphy.gif?w=640(yay for gifs!)

So we (ha! We. Lol), excuse me, they are finally in Bali! It starts off showcasing Bali’s landscape, people and lifestyle, and in the middle of the island’s preview, they show a giant monkey’s face almost butting into the camera. Umm alrighty then, but I agree, monkeys would make me wanna tear my hair out less. Chris points out that there is so much culture in Bali. Well, guess what Chris? There’s actually people here too. Did you see them? Huh? Did ya, did ya, did ya?!

Chris goes on to the say that the resort he is staying at is the most beautiful resort he’s ever been to (read: only resort he’s ever been too) and that he can see himself coming back here for a honeymoon. You think your future wife would wanna come back to a place that you already checked out with not only her, but also two other exes? Let me answer that on behalf of all girls: Heck to the no.

First up is Kaitlyn, who still says “about” in a very cute Canadian way that I just cannot stop smiling everytime she says it. She also has a man laugh, which is very distinct compares to Chris’ girly giggles. But it’s okay because I’m pretty sure I have a man laugh too. Laughter ftw! They go to a temple and check out the spiritual aspects of it while balancing baskets on their heads. The ladies who actually wanted to visit the temple probably just let them do it so they could get out of there, let’s be honest here. Then, they go to a monkey garden and omg, this was hilarious! I’m not even kidding! Seeing all those monkeys grab the bananas from Chris’ hands was so funny and it was even more entertaining to hear Kaitlyn just guffawing away in the background. Wow, that was pure, actual, good amusement that I was not expecting.

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

A monkey pees on Chris LOL

Then we get into the gross mushy gushy. This week seems to be a lot about feelings and “serious conversations” which you know I’m not a fan out. Feelings are not my forte. And this week is called overnight dates, which I’ll leave it at that. I’m not going to reiterate the very double meaning sentences Chris used to explain it at the beginning of the episode. Enough said. The talk will come when it needs to hun.

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They go to some kind of resort thing (is it the same one Chris is staying at?) and THEY DO NOT EAT AT ALL. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever seen them eating on ANY date where there is food. I see them drinking, sure, but eating? Never. Is the food even real? If so, why are they wasting it?! It’s not possible that y’all are never hungry! Aaaaahhhh! My money bets that it’s plastic. Continue reading

All About Me According to Buzzfeed Quizzes

Dear Mimi,

There are few things in this world that unite everyone. One of them is Buzzfeed quizzes. These quizzes are literally the biggest time wasters you will ever have, but you will never consider these as such, because hey! I’m learning about myself and if I really am the next Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (you will sadly not get this reference at first read). So, throughout my high school and college career, where time is most abundantly wasted, here is a complete profile of myself, based entirely off Buzzfeed quizzes that I have taken. With, of course, my commentary sporadically given.

Disclaimers:

-There are a lot. I apologize for this in advance. Hope you don’t get too bored going through all of them.

-I’m not going to link each quiz because let’s face it, I’m not THAT nice and more honestly, I don’t have that much time. But, if you every want to take any of these, a simple google search of “buzzfeed (insert quiz name/topic) quiz” will suffice.

-These are in no particular order. It is completely random.

-Some of these may overlap. It is not my fault. I have taken so many of them that I can not be responsible for remembering all of them.

-I have bolded the ones that are actually true about me. Just so you’re not confused lol.

Here we go.

I should’ve majored in computer science (ha! No) ★ The female literary character that I am is Jo March, from Little Women ★ I should compete on the show Cupcake Wars on the Food Network (I don’t even like cupcakes that much) ★ I am two parts old lady to three parts young (this is probably accurate) ★ I am the classic SNL character Matt Foley ★ I am attracted to awkward, yet adorable British gentlemen (sure, why not)I have done my fair share of living, but I am actually not living life to my fullest ★ I embody the city of Barcelona ★ The Tiffany/classic engagement ring is perfect for me (umm depends) ★ I am the Pixar movie Brave ★ The fictional city I should actually live in is Rivendell from Lord of the Rings ★ I should’ve actually gone to Harvard (yeah no) ★ The food that matches my personality is a sandwich ★ I am not a butthole at all ★ I should actually be an astronaut (what?) ★ I am the Corgi dog ★ I eat like a small childI will be a helicopter parent ★ I am the dancing twins emoji (I prefer the dancing lady one) ★ I am Tiana, from the Disney Princesses ★ The Disney couple that is my ideal relationship is Anna and Kristoff from Frozen ★ I am straddling the line between cool and uncool (no way. I am all cool) ★ The girlscout cookie that is me is chocolate chip shortbread ★ I am single because I am too perfect (cheers to that) ★ I am a suddenly single serial dater ★ I should be in the “best friends” relationship ★ I am so emotionally unavailable that I am “frozen” (okay not that much) ★ The dinosaur I am is the dilophosaurus ★ I should get a teeny tiny tattoo someplace cute like behind my ear or on the inside of my wrist (I wish) ★ I am the shark Mark Cuban from Shark TankIf I were elected president, I would be going on Mount Rushmore, striding along the best presidents in history ★ Ombre hair is the trendy thing I would really love if I actually tried it (I don’t think I can pull it off) ★ My fate in the Hunger Games would be death. I succumbed to a career during the final showdown ★ Continue reading

20 Little Known Inspirational Quotes AKA 20 New Quotes to Caption Your Facebook Photos With

Dear Mimi,

Quotes are the best because often times, someone else speaks the words better than we can speak them ourselves. Here are some of the lesser known quotes, yet still powerful. And the ones that really haven’t made the 428 rounds on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr to gain the rite of passage of being an “actual quote” yet. Does that make these immature baby quotes?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  1. “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” –Vincent Van Gogh
  1. “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” –Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist 
  1. “You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.” –Saul Bellow
  1. “The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity,
    as iron is most strongly united by the fiercest flame.” –Charles Caleb Colton
  1. “In the sky there are always answers and explanations for everything: every pain, every suffering, joy and confusion.” –Ishmael Beah, A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier
  1. “You must give everything to make your life as beautiful as the dreams that dance in your imagination.” –Roman Payne
  1. “The fact that you are still alive assures you that God has something for you to accomplish.” –Rodney A. Winters
  1. “We can become inspired to shape a higher, more ideal future, and when we do, miracles happen.” –James Redfield, The Tenth Insight: Holding the Vision
  1. “You never know when the truth will come home. You can’t choose the time. The time chooses you.” –Rick Yancey, The Infinite Sea
  1. “I’ve come to realize that sometimes, what you love most is what you have to fight the hardest to keep.” –Kirsten Hubbard, Wanderlove
  1. “To recognize that the greatest error is not to have tried and failed, but that in trying, we did not give it our best effort.” –Gene Kranz
  1. “The most powerful weapon on Earth is the human soul on fire.” –Dale Partridge
  1. “Failure is when you give up. A real winner is someone that doesn’t give up, even when it feels like they are losing.” –Joshua Hartzell
  1. “If pain is a pot of boiling water, humor can be the rising steam.” –Cameron Conaway, Caged: Memoirs of a Cage-Fighting Poet
  1. “I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday, I have today and I know Him who holds tomorrow so I know tomorrow will be beautiful for me.” –Jaachynma N.E. Agu, The Best Option
  1. “We wait for the rains to cease, the clouds to part, and the sun to shine before saying life is good. Ironically, it is because we endure the storms that life seems so wonderfully bright at their passing.” –Richelle E. Goodrich
  1. “Keep smiling and one day, life will get tired of upsetting you.” –Unknown
  1. “Life is like a landscape. You like in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.” – Charles Lindbergh
  1. “The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of life, the clearer we should see through it.” –Niccolo Machiavelli
  1. “We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize we only have one.” –Tom Hiddleston

Love,

Didi

Blogging the Bachelor: Week 8

Dear Mimi,

Hopefully this post will be shorter than the last, so here goes nothing. Welcome to hometown week y’all!

But, before that, we have the drama with Britt. As the rest of the girls talk about what happened the night before (read: gossip and overanalyze), Britt comes in and tells all of them that she is leaving. She doesn’t think that Chris is the man for her and doesn’t want to introduce him to her family next week. DIDN’T I CALL THIS? Read the last post if you don’t believe me! Carly does 436457389475 different voiceovers/interviews explaining how Britt always wants to be the center of attention, how she wants Chris to fight for her, how she is always so used to getting what she wants and when she finally realizes that Chris is forming relationships with other people, Britt wants to get out while she still can without looking like she was dumped. Carly goes “I don’t feel bad for Britt at all. It’s fun to see her squirm”. Homegirl even calls Britt out pretty much saying that “you say you are leaving now, but after you talk with Chris, you’re going to magically stay because you always change your mind whenever Chris tells you something and you always manipulate him”. Okay maybe not that last part directly, but it was inferred (confirmed in the 436457389476th interview). Well be careful Carls, because karma has a way of working things in lightning speed on the Bachelor. (Remember what happened to Kelsey and Ashley?)

I know what you did.

I know what you did.

ha! karma!

ha! karma!

Oh and through all of this, Becca has a date! Nothing much happened except they chill at Chris’ apartment, which looked like my hotel room from when I stayed at Yellowstone National Park, and they watch the sunset. Becca tells Chris she has never been in love. Join the club Becca.

“Up next, it’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” *Chris Harrison voice*. Yeah, cuz you’ve only been saying that for 8 weeks in a row now. There is no time to talk because Chris has made up his mind. In the middle of facing the girls and talking, right before he is going to hand out roses, Britt interrupts him and they go somewhere else to talk. RIGHT after they leave, all the girls start gossiping like little old ladies again. I’m surprised Britt and Chris didn’t hear them on their way out of the room; it was that instant.

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Continue reading

Blogging the Bachelor: Week 7

Dear Mimi,

So we have come to week 7 of el bach-e-lor. And apparently it is a special two-night event because it is sooo big. It seems like they enjoy overemphasizing things. Also, can I just say that there is absolutely no reason for Chris Harrison to do dramatic turns and hand movements while turning towards different cameras. This is a reality dating show, not an intense murder mystery. In fact, there only needs to be one camera, if any, for him to talk to.

Sorry, I had to.

Sorry, I had to.

First off there is something called “Chris Tells All” where the bachelor himself and a couple other people sit down and talk about stuff that happened and reveal oh so many juicy secrets that we have failed to see as viewers because we were too busy cringing at the show for 2 hours voluntarily each Monday night than actually watching it. Personally, I think this part is dumb. As they say, a picture (or heavily edited reality TV) is worth more than the not even thousand words that Chris can barely get out of his mouth.

Chris Tells All

First we have Kelsey, that pompous girl whose laugh I cannot ever believe is actually real. Chris Harrison pretty much just asks her why she is so fake, if she thinks she is smarter than the other girls (she takes a long pause, answers ‘yes’ in her head, replies ‘no’ out loud and then they show a bunch of clips of her saying otherwise…good edit producers) and why she is so controversial. To which she does that horrid laugh and asks if she’s really that controversial and then goes on to use a sentence like, and I quote “a flippant comment was misconstrued and had I known I would’ve ameliorated it”. Now mind you, I actually had to look up the word ‘ameliorated’ to make sure she used it in the right context. You know, because all normal people use that word in everyday conversation. Later on though, she does say she had no malintentions, which BOOM sister! That is not a real word! It is appearing as a red squiggly underline in my word document. Justice has been served. She also says that being confronted by the other girls later on will be a crucifixion. Umm, don’t you think that is a little bit extreme to describe a social situation in which people are just talking. Then again, these are girls we’re talking about, so according to Ellie Goulding, anything can happen.
Continue reading

15 Important Things My Husband Absolutely, Positively, Most Definitely Has to Know About Me

Dear Mimi,

There comes a time after you get married (I wouldn’t know, but I’m just assuming lol) where your weirdness slowly starts to creep out. Well, I’m gonna do my future husband a favor and just let it all out at once haha 😉 I present to you, the 15 most important things my husband NEEDS to know about me if he wants to survive. Muahahahahaha!

Ugggghhhh.

Ugggghhhh.

  1. I once stole a shopping cart from a store and pushed it 2 miles back to my dorm while studying abroad in Turkey (in my defense we had a lot of groceries, it was over 100°F out, and we were exhausted/fasting).
  2. Apple cider vinegar smells like feet to me and is the bane of my existence.
  3. In 7th grade, I broke my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it (2 days before a trip overseas).
  4. Mango juice and strawberry milkshakes are the way to my heart (and washing the dishes).
  5. I am a picture hoarder (you never know when you might need to pull up the 3 billion pictures of your cat).
  6. I have a taste aversion to Taco Bell (sorry bro, can’t ever go there. at least not with me)
  7. The best pick up line I’ve ever heard was “Do you like free food?” (That should already tell you a lot about me off the bat).
  8. I say ‘duck’ tape instead of ‘duct tape’ and ‘sherbert’ instead of ‘sherbet’.
  9. According to one of my friends, my face feels like pudding and I use too much moisturizer (I apologize for my friend’s lack of boundaries).
  10. I never know how to pronounce ‘Oberweis’ from “Oberweis Ice Cream” (everyone I ask says something different!)
  11. I give my cat a shower twice a year.
  12. 2:17 is my favorite time (it is so randomly exquisite).
  13. Caffeine does not work on me. I can drink a whole cup of coffee or an entire can of pop and go right to sleep.
  14. I hate the following words and phrases: cool beans, totes, adorbs, perf, slay, yaaaas!, on fleek, can’t even (learn to speak like an educated adult people! have a shred a dignity!)
  15. I used to be afraid of geese (USED TO BE).

So there you have it Mimi. Wish him luck, he’s gonna need it.

Love,

Didi

Sometimes, I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So I go back to being me.

The Swimsuit Edition, Where Sexism Knows No Size

It’s about time that people realize this. And it’s also really sad that we have to mention this in today’s society.

The Melissaverse

Apparently we’re all supposed to celebrate the fact that an average-sized woman will appear in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

I’m told it’s some kind of triumph that, of the many women pointlessly objectified on the pages of a magazine that’s supposed to be about sports, one will be somewhat heavier than all the others. Sexism is so deeply woven into the fabric of sports in America that this, incredibly, is meant to represent progress.

Never mind that this year’s cover model, in addition to being exactly the size you’d expect her to be, is also waxed to within an inch of her life. Never mind that only average-sized model in the magazine appears not as part of an editorial layout but in an ad. Never mind that both women appear to have been liberally airbrushed, unless you believe neither of their bodies has a single stray hair, birthmark…

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